Following a spate of vicious attacks on innocent members of the public by Seagullist extremists, our Prime Minister announced he plans to tackle this growing problem.
Speaking in Birmingham earlier today, and wearing a protective shower cap, David Cameron said, "The time has come to properly confront the radical ideology of Seagullist extremists here at home. We must do more to prevent the radicalisation of young Seagullims. We must also root out the radical nests and the leaders of these nests. We know most Seagullims are peaceful individuals with no intention of randomly attacking the top of peoples heads and defecating on shoulders, but, there are a few bad eggs. We need to crush these eggs before they hatch. The integration of British Seagullims is also an issue we are looking closely at."
After casting his beady eyes skywards, he continued, "My wife and I have been subjected to several attacks ourselves. The last one ruined my Armani jacket. Samantha can't get the stain out. It's outrageous."
In recent months there has been a shocking rise in the number of attacks with dozens of people hospitalised following what appeared to be random defecations, MI5 now believe these attacks were not random but part of an organised campaign of terror influenced by Seagullic State.
One former MI5 spy, who left the service after developing Post Traumatic Seagull Disorder (PTSD), told us, "I was tasked with infiltrating the nests where we believed radicalisation took place. It's tough. I had to tread on eggshells to get their trust. Pretending to be a bird required all my skills as a spy. Sticking the feathers on was a right pain."
Army chiefs are believed to be preparing to put wings in the air as they consider boots on the ground to be pointless. They've also announced they are on high alert, or, in layman's terms, it's brown trousers time.
Meanwhile, Paul Gullding, leader of Britain's Birds First, released this statement, "Cameron's full of crap. I've seen him feeding them round the back of Parliament. Treacherous swine. He's on their side. Kick them all out."
Helpful words from the UK's most deluded political party.
