Swiss Authorities today announced a criminal investigation into corrupt actvities by Sepp Blatter (known variously as 'The Don', "'Sepp The Tongue'and 'Sepptic'", the President of world soccer governing body FIFA.
From his heavily fortified family home in Brooklyn Blatter issued a statement today. "I Sepp Blatter, President of the FIFA Family, I mean the Football Federation, am completely innocent of all corruption charges I currently face. I sent my son Sonny with Tom Hagen and Platini to talk to the Turks. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer I say. Yes I know they came back with a suitcase full of used banknotes which Sonny used to buy a skyscraper in Manhattan in his own name. But FIFA needed a new head office and there we have it. Remember, the lawyer with the briefcase can spend more money than the man with the gun... my mother Maria taught me that, God rest her soul."
Pressed by a journalist to reveal all he knows about other corruption in FIFA Blatter had this to say "Vladamir Putin is a good and honest man. He didn't want to host the 2018 World Cup. But I made him an offer he couldn't refuse. It's good for soccer and it's good for FIFA so don't judge me too harshly. Never hate your enemies. It affects your judgement you know."
Blatter ended the press conference saying " Life is beautiful. Now please excuse me I have to talk to my grandson Carlo in the bean garden. Remember, a man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man."