Well hello there, lovers, this is Sally the Match Maker reminding you that Valentine’s Day is coming and I hope you have a sweetie pie to enjoy the day with. If not, you still have a hand, don’t you? A banana? A corner of a piece of furniture you can rub up against?
(I always wonder, what does the Pope do on Valentine’s Day? Give out cards and candy to all the cutest and quietest choir boys? Oh well, that’s his private business and no one arrested him yet, so another year … another year …)
Off topic a bit there.
I’m also here to tell you to BE WARNED! Sometimes the person you’ve just started dating isn’t quite up to par, whether guys or girls, doesn’t really matter, since we’re all human beings and that means what, kids? (“WE’RE FUCKED!) Hee Hee, that’s right.
But say you’ve just started dating a gal and she’s kinda funny, kinda weird, you don’t really know what to make of her, but you’ll stick with her for a little longer … just to see what happens.
Here’s an old Valentine Day’s song that has come in handy for more new lovers than I can shake a ten foot pole at, and keep them far away from me, I don’t need that kinda shit right now in my life, GAWD!
(I told myself I would be strong this year … be strong, Sally … and get a KEG of triple chocolate ice cream with extra chunks of cookie dough and a Fifth of Old Harper and watch old B&W movies that will let me cry and remember all the people who broke my heart – YOU FUCKERS!)
Just play the fuckin’ song!
Havin Sex With Crazy Girls
Havin’ sexy with crazy girls
Is a psycho sexy whirl
They make you happy, make you sad
Make you good and make you bad
Crazy girls always do the most
But can only be taken in a small dose
They love you then hate you
Always aggravate you
Make you want them, make you swoon
Try to stab you with a spoon
Dye their hair twice a week
Freak right out if you call ‘em a freak
They ask you if they’re a little fat
Don’t say a thing – ‘cuz it’s a trap!
Just tell her she’s pretty
Then leave the city
Lose her number
Enjoy the summer
If you don’t get smart, you get dumber
If you get married
You get buried
Sleep with a gun
‘Cuz she’s always scary
Dress in a trash bag
Go to the Ritz-o
So you can laugh and call her schizo
She screams “I love you”
And slaps your face
Invites you in for Mai Tais at her grandma’s place
Gets in an argument with her teddy bear
Says if you really love her, you’ll wear her underwear
Talks about you like you’re not there
Picks her nose in the subway car
Says she’s gonna be a heavy metal star
Shows you her paintings
Of giant cats fainting
You say they’re good
She says you give her wood
Her clit is pierced with a bent thumbtack
She asks politely if you wanna smoke some crack
You wanna run, you wanna flee
She moans to you “put a baby in me!”
Drop your dick
Take your life in hand
There’s no trick
When you gotta go
You get up and run
Don’t take it slow
Crazy girls are too much fun
Mmmm … that’s some good ice cream. Well, this is Sally Broken Heart (might as well change my name to reflect my crippling loneliness!) wishing you a Happy Valentine’s Day.
PS: How much are blow-up dolls and do they come with a complimentary strap-on? I’m a little tight for cash after paying rent on my bachelor apartment.
