So you wanna be a drug mule?
Sure, lots of celebrities and politicians and Trump children NEED the product you have shoved up your ass, but have you even thought about other career choices? Fuck that, coke pays good, so why flip burgers when a few balloons up the rectum could make you a million overnight?
There are risks, of course, but what job doesn’t have risks? Flip those burgers – and it’s grease right in your eye! Your screaming and running around and you know you’ll never make Head Fry Guy now!
So head on back to South America and tell El Guapo, while on your knees, “Please, let me be your mule. You’re best mule. I will take the drugs to the Americans, and the Hollywood starlets will give me many blowjobs for making their terrible lives a little better … until they all melt into a pool of plastic surgery and hair spray."
Here’s a little ditty sung by every drug mule who got caught, so you might want to learn the lyrics, ‘cuz they ain’t no Spoof in Texas prison work camps.
Drug Mule
Flying high on an airplane
Life just got a little insane
Balloons up my butt
It’s all open and shut
Got some special cargo
To break the embargo
You wanna be cool
Be a drug mule
[chorus]
Drug mule
It’s called free trade
Drug mule
It’s called gettin’ paid
Drug mule
Don’t worry about school
Drug mule
Is the only rule
Flying high
Who owns the sky
Just need a little extra
Comin’ in from Mexica
Don’t give me no blame
I coulda taken the train
Politicians need me
Why can’t I fly for free
Good luck, mule, and keep flying those friendly skies … until they get real, real ugly.
