PILGRIM MUSKET, Massachusetts - (Satire News) - The local authorities of the beautiful beach town, by the Atlantic Ocean have just informed the citizenry that shark attacks have increased by 900% just since the start of summer.
When asked if they blame El Nino and his relatives for this very unusual occurence, the city manager, Ludlow "Jellyfish" Petasolini, 56, replied, "Hell No! We have no Trumpsters living in Pilgrim Musket, and thank goodness because those guys and gals are still infatuated with Old Trumpelstilskin, and his anti-American, racist ways.
A marine biologist from Boston, Dr. Omar Hoptree, did state that the reason for the huge increase in shark attacks is due to the fact that the water of the Atlantic Ocean is anywhere from 12 to 37 degrees hotter than normal, and as a result the sharks are coming in toward shore to try and cool down.
SIDENOTE: Meanwhile the "Fly-Over" state of Iowa reports that so far this year, they have had 0% shark attacks, and they're pretty damn sure it will stay that way.
