MAR-A-LAGO, Florida - 3:13 AM
TWEET #1 - I love, love, love Elon Musk. The sexy stud is going to buy Twitter and he has promised me that the first fucking thing he is going to do in "Unban" me. So in the immortal words of one of my all-time idols Adolf Hitler, "I'm coming back folks!"
TWEET #2 - Melania told me that if Musk "Unbans" me, she will leave "my orange fooking ass" (her exact words), and either move back to New York City and our Trump Tower, or else she'll move to Los Angeles and move in with you-know-who.
TWEET #3 - I just want to clear up a very vicious rumor that was probably started by Nancy Pelosi, or VP Harris, or maybe even that has-been, forgotten bitch Megan Kelly. Ivanka is not, I repeat IVANKA IS NOT having my baby. I had a vasectomy several years ago.
TWEET #4 - "Moscow" Mitch McConnell has turned on me big time, but that's okay. I just want the bullfrog-looking swamp creature to know that I have seven explicit photos of him and his mean, bitter, hate-spewing wife, Ling Ling, so if he continues bad-mouthing me, I will give the pix to my boyfriend, Sean Hannity.
TWEET #5 - I have to say this again. I love Elon Musk. In fact, I love the filthy rich stud more than Oprah Winfrey loves stuffing her face with pasta, pretzels, pizza, and gallons of Watermelon Blue Bell Ice Cream.
