This Spoof writer, going on 92, is thinking a bit more about eternity then he did only a decade ago. With his wife already there, he wishes he could be as certain about reuniting with a spouse after death as the late president George H W Bush was about being with his Barbara. Assuming that I reach Heaven rather than Hell, what will be the relationship between my wife and me up there?
Not good, says one Internet site you'll find in your search for "sex in Heaven?"
To begin with, this theologically conservative evangelical group says there are no spouses in Heaven. Marriage will not exist. Yes, I'll still be with her, but not in the legal way we were on earth. Does that mean I can then spend time with all those other girls I knew before her without having guilt feelings? These theologians don't comment on that.
There will be no births in Heaven - the number of the select is fixed so there's no need for offspring. That's why there will be no sex in Heaven!
What? Lovers who've been separated for many years, particularly younger ones, will find that rule unacceptable. Good Christians in all normal respects, they will find it justifiable to challenge that rule. Inevitably, there will be offspring... and abortion!
In an effort to reduce the possibility of abortion, the condom/morning after pill industry will thrive. It will be run by the state, a heavenly form of socialized iindustry. Proceeds go to repairing stars and eliminating the housing crisis created by the pandemic, where the unexpected increase in population so quickly had filled all vacant residences and left millions of Covid victims on the streets.
Inevitably, some of the condoms or pills will fail, perhaps an example of the ineptitude of government-run businesses. More likely it will be the failure of heavenly males and females to properly follow instructions. Thus, abortion will be necessary.
Yes, abortion in Heaven. Since the number of the saved is already set, and procreation is unacceptable, freedom to choose in this case is supported by the alleged rule of limited population in Heaven, The right to life has no place in eternity, at least not in Heaven.
Without the bonds of marriage, there is no legal activity known as premarital sex. In essence, all sex in H eaven is premarital and therefore bears no stigma. Girls, here I come!
As to divorce- it may have been found on here on Earth but not in Heaven. Actually, there will be no formal ceremony of divorce. It's accepted automatically as one of the conditions of entering Heaven. You don't even question it. Both partners automatically accept it upon entering Heaven, No stigma attached. Everyone else who was married is also divorced.
We won't raise the issue of same-sex marriage in Heaven. Probably at the time the website was first written it didn't exist in the United States. But since conservative evangelicals aren't very big on homosexuality it's not likely they'd recognize either the marriage or the Heavenly divorce of gays and lesbians. On the other hand, there might be a benefit to same-sex - unmarried - couples in Heaven since the census bureau wouldn't have to worry about any offspring.
Sex in Heaven? If it really is banned, watch for a run on Hell.
