In an effort to address major declines in new membership and a increase in the number of people leaving the church, the college of bishops has put together a list of potential marketing ideas, and is awaiting the office of the papacy. "In light...
Plans are afoot for the establishment of a privatised heaven. Rupert Rees-Hogg commented: 'There are far too many ex-Etonians and Establishment figures who have been refused access to heaven on their death. This must stop! At the moment any old anyon...
Vice President Mike Pence recently announced the next life-changing NASA mission: determining the precise whereabouts of heaven. Pence, a convert to evangelical Christianity from Roman Catholicism, told faith-based supporters, “To me, the final f...
In a new program launched by the Theo-Science Department of Adam Everson University (Normal, IL), researchers were able to create a method of very tangibly speaking to those who have passed away. Done through a method derived of advanced electronic...
Heavensgate - Every morning just after sunrise, says Christopher Hitchins, he and the entire heavenly host gather with their harps and neatly folded wings at the edge of a convenient cloud. Then as they drink their coffee and enjoy the air, they laug...
Jesus has appealed to people not to try to be sunbeams, as he is snowed under with them. "He told our religious affairs journalist, "I don't know who wrote that fucking 'Jesus wants me for a sunbeam' song but since the financial crashes I've a millio...
Pope Francis has announced that the Vatican will become a major sponsor of sporting events such as the FIFA World Cup and the Olympics, and called on churches around the world to get more involved in sporting events in their communities. In conti...
Pope Francis told shocked Mafia delegates at a meeting of Godfathers yesterday that their blood-stained money, blood-stained power and bllod stained handkerchiefs, can't now be taken with them into the next life when the new blood stain laundering me...
Pastor Robertson told us that he knew that it ain't going to make him any popular but that the Good Book says what it means. After that encounter with the Gay people, he hated to start 'another boondoggle' but that's just how it is and he believe...
NEW YORK - Following a series of verbal blunders, Terry Snogawd has resigned his post as chancellor of the First Atheist Not-church of America amid growing protest from a large number of the group's members. "Look, not one of us has been complete...
Spammer's Heaven… …where everyone believes poorly written lies and language syntax and spelling aren't important …where credit card numbers fall from the sky …where everyone's email and twitter passwords are 12345 …where nobody can say no to black market cialis …where captchas have been banished to spammer's hell …where everyone always forgets that they didn't enter foreign lotte...
The Epic of Gilgamesh is a long, boring, heroic poem by Gil Gamesh, a Babylonian who plagiarized the story from ancient Sumerian sources and claimed that the events of the poem, outlandish though they are, actually happened to him. One of the poem's key episodes in the flood, which, when it is written about in the Bible, is known as the Biblical flood, but, in Gilgamesh, is referred to as The Delu...
Fred Phelps, leader of Westboro Baptist Church, died suddenly on Tuesday at a military funeral while screaming and waving a sign that read God Hates Fags. Only minutes later, the renowned leader found himself in heaven, before God's throne, blinking...
HEAVEN--St. Peter announced today that heaven was going through a major restructuring and that Yahweh, CEO of Heaven since time immemorial, would be replaced by Shiva, known to his associates as "the Destroyer." Explained St. Peter: "Over the mil...
It has been announced that the Pope is to resign, as the Afterlife proves it is not exempt from the global recession. God has called in the administrators and cutbacks are seen as inevitable. It is understood Pope Benedict offered his resignation...
Ned Kelly, Irish-catholic, Australian rebel and bandit has just been buried after he lost a shoot-out with Jesse James in heaven. The whole thing started after a fight in a saloon called "Heaven and Hell Whores and Nuns". Jesse called Ned an Irish...
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