The best version:
Once upon a time there was a mother pig who had three little pigs named Corn, Biscuit and Doughnut. Her husband was a drunkard who would listen to pop music all day.
One day she said to them, "It's time for you to go out into the world to make your fortune, because your father got tossed into prison for burglary and he's unable to raid anymore gardens to feed you."
The three little pigs packed their bags and said good-bye to their mum. They left the house, and each went along a different path.
The first little pig soon met a blind man with a load of straw. "Please mister will you give me some straw to build a house in exchange for some hash I grew in my garden?"
The man did and the little pig quickly built himself a straw house with a large straw barn in the rear of his home. It was not a very strong house, but the little pig was so happy he began to dance and sing.
This piggy was smart because he had a herd of sheep in his barn to fool any hungry wolf. Every night he would dress as a sheep and sleep with the herd, so a wolf could eat a sheep and be so full he would not want to eat him.
Along came a gay and desperate wolf who knocked at the door and galled out in a gruff voice, "Little pig, little pig, let me come in."
The wolf then saw a note on the door "If you're a wolf and you're hungry, I got sheep in the barn!"
"You will be sorry," growled the wolf. "I only love pigs with pink flesh."
So the wolf dressed himself as a sheep and he entered the barn and he layed down behind a sleeping sheep. It was pitch dark and the wolf said, "What a surprise, I could smell pig innards."
Now, the second little pig walked along a path until he met an ugly fat woman carrying a load of twigs. "Would you be so kind lady as to give me some twigs, so I can build a house?" The woman, who had not bathed in a year, said, "Yes, but you first need to lick my feet until I'm satisfied and then you need to give me a much needed bath using your wet tongue since the nearest water well is ten miles away."
The little pig quickly built himself a house of twigs. It was not a very strong house, but the little pig was so happy that he bagan to dance and play his flute. He then recieved a disturbing message on his answering machine from the first little pig, "Hurry! A gay wolf is coming for you!"
The second little pig, being the smartest of the three, decided to trick the wolf. He build a trap door inside his home facing his front door. He put a ladder in the hole in case he were to accidentally fall inside. He also placed a latch on top of the trap door, so he could quickly put a lock on the latch once the wolf falls in. It was a brilliant plan.
Unfortunately, the second little pig forgot about the trap door in the morning when he went to pick up his daily newspaper. When the little pig fell, he landed on his head and became unconscious.
Then along came the gay and cunning wolf. He knocked at the door and called out in a gruff voice, "Little pig, little pig, let me come in."
The bewildered wolf read a note on the door, "Welcome Mr. wolf, I left you a baked ham in the oven."
You will be sorry," growled the wolf. "After breakfast, I will have you for desert."
So the wolf walked in and fell down the hole. It was pitch dark and very quite and the wolf said, "What a surprise, I could smell pig innards."
The third little pig walked until he met a man with a load of bricks. "Please sir, would you give me some bricks to build a house?" I'm good at hand jobs when you need it.
The man did, and the little pig built himself a brick mansion. It took him a long time, but it was a lot stronger than a straw house or a house of twigs. The little pig was very happy. He sat down and played a Liberace tune on his piano.
The third little pig got a frantic phone call from the second little pig, "Save yourself by leaving town, there's a gay wolf on the prowl!"
Then along came the tired and nasty wolf. He was shocked to see the brick mansion painted pink. He noticed writing engraved on a floor mat, situated in front of the door, that says, "If You Can't Win Give It Up." He knocked at the door and called out in a gruff voice, "Little pig, little pig, let me come in."
The third little pig walked outside dressed in drag, and said, "There's no point in blowing down the door of your new house."
"I'm sorry," said the wolf gently. "I will huff, and I will puff, when I'm inside the house my darling."
A witness reported seeing the wolf and his piggy living happly ever after socializing in the 'Horse Meat Disco' at Eagle London.