Rudy QC and Eric PI, special agents

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Thursday, 5 November 2020

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Rudy QC and Eric PI, now broadcasting on Apple TV

Episode 1: The Case of the Stolen Election

Scene 1

Rudy Guiliani and Eric Trump are in their car in a parking lot in downtown Philadelphia.

Eric: Gee, Uncle Rudy, these corned beef sangwiches are delicious. Do you have any mustard?

Rudy: No. Mind your teeth don't get stuck when you eat. Remember what the doctor said - move your jaw up then down. Up then down.

Eric opens his mouth and food falls out.

Eric: Up then down.

Rudy takes a swig from a hipflask.

Rudy: I think there might be some Democrat criminals up ahead. Look.

Eric: How do you know they're Democrats?

Rudy: Because they're black. Come on Eric, let's go get 'em.

Eric: But I haven't finished my sangwich.

Rudy: Just leave it!

They leave the car and draw their weapons. Rudy lifts his gun to point at the two black men walking by.

Rudy: Freeze!

One of the black men holds his hands up. The second one draws his own gun.

Eric: My weapon doesn't have a freeze setting, it only fires bullets.

Eric pushes a button on his gun and the bullets fall out.

Man 1: It looks like we have a Mexican stand-off here.

Eric: My Pop hates Mexicans.

Rudy: Do either of you two know what happened to the election?

Man 1: No. How do you mean?

Rudy: You know what I mean. Trump was winning in Pennsylvania and now he's not. Somebody stole it.

Man 1: That's just what happens when you count all the votes.

Eric: We're looking for the election that was stolen. It's about this big.

Eric places his hands about a foot apart to demonstrate the size.

Rudy: No, Eric, that's not it. It's more of an abstract concept.

Eric: A what?

Rudy: We're looking for... now I think about it, what are we looking for?

While Rudy is busy talking to Eric, one of the men grabs the gun from his hand.

Rudy: What the... Oh Eric, we're in trouble now.

Man 2: You know these guys are famous. They should fetch a good ransom.

Eric: My Pop is rich.

Man 1: Is he now?


Scene 2

Rudy and Eric are tied to chairs in a dimly lit basement.

Eric: Where are we, Uncle Rudy?

Rudy: This is what happens when you mess with the deep state Democrats. They've probably got Elvis hidden somewhere here.

Eric: I smell sangwiches.

Rudy: But why would two random black guys in the street be agents of the deep state. Unless...black people are all aliens and we've been abducted.

Eric: Black people are poor.

Rudy: You're right Eric. Damn it, you're a genius, just like your father. The aliens are poor so they have to come to Earth to claim our government handouts. But in order to do that they have to steal the election because Trump will stop the handouts.

Eric: Maybe they hid it around here somewhere.

Rudy: Hid what?

Eric: The election.

Rudy: You know, I always thought of the election as an abstract concept, but you could be right about that too. It could be an actual physical object, like a box.

Eric: Abstract concept?

Rudy: Never mind, Eric, I'll explain later.

Eric: Uncle Rudy, how are we going to get out of here?

Rudy: I don't know. Maybe Q-Anon will save us.

Eric: My Pop likes Q-Anon.

Scene 3

Later on, one of the kidnappers visits Rudy and Eric in the basement.

Man 1: We contacted your father to pay your ransom.

Rudy: So we're saved?

Man 1: No, he refused to pay. He's so cheap he would rather you die than pay to let you go.

Rudy: That doesn't make any sense. Are you sure you got the right email address? It was donaldjtrump at myspace dot com.

Man 1: Yes. Anyway, we did a bit of background check into his finances. It looks like he can't even afford the ransom.

Eric: How much did you ask for?

Man 1: Ten thousand dollars.

Eric: Wow, that's a lot.

Rudy: So what are you going to do with us now?

Man 1: We'll take your phones, wallets, car keys, valuables, then you're both going on a little drive.

Eric: Oh boy. I like drives. Can I ride in the trunk?

Man 1: Sure. Why not?

Eric: Did you hide the election around here?

Man 1: The what?

Eric: Is that it?

Eric points to an empty waste-paper basket.

Eric: Can we take it?

Man 1: Err..ok. Yeah.

He hands Eric the waste-paper basket.

Eric: Wow, it's heavier than I thought it would be.

Scene 4

Rudy and Eric are in the White House, sitting across the desk from Donald Trump. Their clothes are wet and torn.

Donald: What happened to you guys?

Rudy: These deep state Democrats kidnapped us then dumped us in the river.

Eric: We went swimming.

Donald: Well, you really stink now. Eric, you're going to have to have a bath.

Eric: I don't like baths.

Donald: Did you stop them from stealing the election?

Eric: Here it is.

Eric hands over the waste-paper basket.

Donald: What the fuck is this?

Rudy: It's the election. Some deep state Democrats gave it to us.

Rudy drinks from his hipflask.

Donald: Have I won it now? I'm President again?

Eric: Yes, Pop.

Donald: Finally, four more years and I don't have to go to prison. What took you so long?

Rudy: They took our phones and everything when we got kidnapped. We're sorry Mr President. It won't happen again.

Donald: Rudy, if you weren't my personal lawyer, I swear I'd fire you.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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