Gun-Totin' Bible-Thumpin' Confederate-Flag-Wavin' Rednecks Find Peace through Meditation

Funny story written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw

Friday, 24 July 2020

image for Gun-Totin' Bible-Thumpin' Confederate-Flag-Wavin' Rednecks Find Peace through Meditation
Master Dharmaprajna, deep in meditation

(Funny Story) After Nepalese monk, Trungpye Dharmaprajna, successfully snatched the pebble from his master's hand, he spent forty days in deep meditation before deciding on the next phase of his journey.

"My master agreed to send me and a handful of assistants to the Bible Belt of the USA, in order to set up a meditation retreat," he said from the tea room of his newly-constructed headquarters in Hog Jowl County, Mississippi. And here, I have, indeed, been able to share some of the peace I have gained through my practice with people who desperately need it."

"Darn tootin'," said community volunteer, Etta Mae, as she poured cups of tea for Dharmaprajna and visiting reporters. "Why, before learnin' to chant and meditate, I was awful uptight. For example, whenever I saw two men holdin' hands in public, I would cover my children's eyes and run away screamin' and hollerin'. Then I wouldn't get no sleep for the next 72 hours, on account of bein' obsessed with who was shovin' what body part up the other's behind."

"But more recently," she continued, "I bumped into the same two fellers, and struck up a right nice conversation about gardenin'. They sure do know a lot about azaleas and hydrangeas!"

After tea, reporters filed out through a courtyard where a junior monk was carving a basswood log into a pasty white, red-haired, buck-toothed, cross-eyed, pot-bellied Buddha. Sweeping up wood shavings was another local volunteer, Billy-Joe Roberts.

"I used to spend my days loadin' custom rounds for my AR and my AK," said Roberts, "and my nights dreamin' of the day when me and my buddies could head up to Canada, y'know, to teach them commie pinkos to hate queers and pay their medical expenses out of pocket, just like the Bible says."

"But now," he enthused, "I only use my guns to blast them pesky razorback hogs out of my cornfields, and I donate most of the meat to the local food bank."

"Funny thing is," he chuckled, "I first walked into this place by mistake. I thought the sign said 'Bubba' when it's actually 'Buddha'..."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more