Redneck Runs on Defund the Police Platform

Written by Charles Havers

Friday, 26 June 2020

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Wilfred “Bubba Billy” Watson of Pensacola, Florida, whom we heard from before, Florida Man Warns New Yorkers, has announced that he is running as a Democrat for Mayor of Pensacola. He promised that, if elected, he will defund the Pensacola police.

How does he expect to win?

“I’m gonna put together a coalition. I’m a gun-toting redneck, so I should git the gun-togging redneck vote. I’m gonna eliminate the police, so I should git the progressives and the anarchists and that should do it.”

Why eliminate the police?

“All they do is hassle good people like me, and good people like me with guns don’t need cops.”

Watson stated that he has had over 50 “encounters” with police over his lifetime. These involved issues ranging from speeding to driving while intoxicated, to having sex with a minor. He explained that all of the charges against him were ridiculous.

“I drive better with a few drinks than most people who haven’t been drinking. I’m 78 years old, and never had even a fender bender.”

What about the sex with a minor charge?

“That was crazy. Of course, we was having sex. We was engaged. They put me in the pen and let me out when she turned 16. We got married three days later, and we’ve been married for 31 years now.”

How do you feel about today’s Democratic Party?

“I never left the party. Promised my Daddy I’d never vote Republican, and I keep my promises. Stayed with the party even when they was crazy, and it’s great to see ‘em being sensible again.”

Watson also said that, if elected, he would consider running for governor against Ron DeSantis in 2022, and would be open to a presidential run in 2024.

“I’ll be 82 in 2024, but my Daddy lived to be almost 100.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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