Social Distancing? Hey, No Problem For We Misanthropes!

Funny story written by rfreed

Tuesday, 7 April 2020

image for Social Distancing? Hey, No Problem For We Misanthropes!

Stay six feet away? I do that anyway!

Stay home and don't have guests? Ditto!

Don't touch anyone? Bingo!

Avoid people? You got it!

I got this whole quarantine thing down, and I don't even have to change any of my habits! They are already embedded!

I could get to like this quarantine stuff. Stay at home......don't go to work.......get lots of bed rest.....
Man, this coronavirus stuff suits me to a T. Well, except for the dying or ventilator part. Otherwise, I can hack it.

Go ahead- call me an Ebeneezer, a party pooper, an outcast, a misanthrope. Just don't call me late for picking up my roadside Sum Duk Got Wacked from the Chinese place around the corner!

It's like that Simon and Garfunkel song- 'Mrs. Robinson”..... No, that's not it.........Oh yeah, it's 'I Am A Rock' (not the Dwayne Johnson type) - “I've got my books and my Internet to protect me!” “Hiding in my room, safe within my womb, I touch no one and no one touches me!” COVID 19 ain't gonna get me here. If it does manage to get in, I got some nice apple cider wipes waiting to vinegar it to death. Same goes for any burglars sneaking in.

It does have its down sides. I used to think that having a TV would be distracting and a waste of time. Now I think it is a major cornerstone of keeping one's sanity. You can't go to movies, no restaurants are open, most stores are shut, no team sports. TV at least will keep your language skills up to date, and keep your mind from wandering off into Nether regions. Watching Sesame Street will keep your sanity from retreating beyond the fundamentals of language to the point of infancy. Watching CSI will remind you of the dangers of the outside world that now strangely seem like a lot of fun. Watching late night talk shows with no studio audience is somehow depressing. Laugh tracks alone do not a comedy make.
Meanwhile, Trump Corona updates are better with the mute button on, and can be quite uproarious therefore. (Aren't those more than ten people in a room at his press conferences?)

Of course, the real reason I am being quarantined is not for physical or viral reasons. More like other non-bodily health issues that involve minor things like terrorizing the neighborhood that requires constant police surveillance and having a 24-hour guard at the door. Well, let's just say it is hard to be good all the time.....

But there are other amusements you can do while under lock-down to make up for the lack of socializing and external fun-having. Sling-shotting rubes out for a walk from a corner window. Peeing from an upper level then hearing the horrified remarks from those passing below. Throwing leftover cooking water from the kitchen Venetian style (which means giving a quick undecipherable warning in Italian too short to give people really time to get out of the way). Making gruesome monster noises with the lights out so they can't see what it is. You get the idea. A person still has to have fun, you know.

The best part is the 20-hour sleep-a-thons. Were it not for the few fools out on the street making noise in the daylight, it would be a perfect world.

P.S. My 'Loners Anonymous ' meetings will be canceled indefinitely because of the Virus, and because I am the only one who shows up.
The 'Misanthropes Anonymous' meeting is also canceled because no one can stand each other.
Thank you!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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