This Book is All Wrong and I’m Suing (the last excerpt and triumphant conclusion to Trump's Unauthorized Autobiography in His Own Best Words)

Funny story written by Chris Dahl

Tuesday, 10 March 2020

image for This Book is All Wrong and I’m Suing (the last excerpt and triumphant conclusion to Trump's Unauthorized Autobiography in His Own Best Words)

This Book is All Wrong and I’m Suing

When somebody challenges you, fight back. Be brutal, be tough.
Donald J. Trump

Now available on Amazon

“Hey, wait a minute. That came out all wrong,” that was the first thing I said to myself after I read this book about me, you know, my book. It wasn’t quite what I said. See, they’re always doing that to me. I say one thing, and then, all of a sudden, they’re saying I said something else. And believe me, the Fake News Media, all those haters at CNN and The Washington Post, they’re already twisting everything I say to fit their headlines, just so they could sell a few newspapers. They should be thanking me, right? I mean, without me, their ratings wouldn’t be so historically high. They wouldn’t be selling all these newspapers, but what do they do? They do all this Fake reporting like another hatchet job aimed at me and my presidency, which has done more in so short a time than any other presidency ever, or really any other regime ever, but they don’t want to hear that. All they can talk about is how Russia helped me get elected, how all these people in my campaign are going to jail and getting arrested and all this other garbage. It’s not the way they want you to think of it, people. First of all, those people who went to jail – barely knew them. Sure, that bum from CNN – Fake News – says that guy was my campaign manager, and maybe he was, but for such a short period of time. Just like the others they arrested, they were practically coffee boys – barely knew who they were. And those bums like Acosta are constantly talking about how I never would’ve won without the help of Russia – Russia this, Russia that! You tell me what other candidate for president was liked, so well-loved in fact, by a foreign leader that he was actually helped into office. But you’re all told this is a bad thing. Russia did you the best favor they possibly could. They got me in over Crooked Killary Clinton. What a mess we would’ve gotten into if she’d won, right? Nothing would get done. She’d be off at her country clubs every weekend, slacking off, not getting the job done like me. Besides, I had no idea what Vlad was doing. I didn’t know he was helping me get elected. I mean, I appreciate it and all, don’t get me wrong. I am grateful for the gesture, but I had no idea. So, how can there be collusion if I didn’t know what was going on. Stupid, right? And then, everyone is talking about this obstruction. That rat Acosta is always talking about obstruction. But, see, they never found anything in terms of a crime, so how can there be obstruction? I mean, you don’t find a crime, how can there be obstruction? That’s like saying, “Hey look, there’s a bunch of smoke, but you don’t see a fire.” If you don’t see a fire, how can you see any smoke, see what I’m sayin’? No smoke, no fire. No crime, no obstruction.

So, I’m trying to get on Marine One before, so I can head down to Mar-a-Lago and do really important president stuff, when, all of a sudden, all these reporters come at me. No, really, believe me, it was like a feeding frenzy after they read this book, which I actually thought was really good, like one of the best stories about a president maybe ever – well, yeah, ever, I guess you could say, but now, everyone got it all wrong from that last chapter. Of course, CNN was there to smear me, and one of them asks, “Do you realize that you imply that you were installed as the ‘foreman’ of the government to destroy it?”
I says, “The mainstream media will do anything to smear me, even though I’ve done more than anyone else, ever, so far in the history of presidents. This book is just another hit job. And the author will be sued very badly.”
So, then, of course, Acosta steps up and says, “You know that you wrote it, correct?”

“Yes, of course,” I tell the guy, “I mean, have you read it? It was top ten on Amazon before it was even released. See? More winning, in spite of everything that rat Bezos tried to do to hold it back. You should read it. It’s yuge.”

“I thought you were outraged at the inaccuracies?” Acosta goes on.
“Yeah,” I says, “but it’s still one of the best books about a president you’ll ever read. Trust me, I’ve written a few best-sellers.”
I knew I had Acosta ‘cause he had this dazed look on his face. That happens after a while when I’m using my words against people. Then, he asks, “So what’s your next step?”

“I’ve decided to do the only thing you can do in a situation like this,” I says. “I’m going to sue, for a lot of money, millions of dollars. I can’t stand for this kind of slander, this kind of libel, not from a guy who does these kinds of things. And we can’t have this kind of slander and libel in this country, even if it is from the president himself. No one is above the law!”

I look around and they were all stunned. They must have been, like, to themselves, “Yeah, man, this guy, he’s got balls. He said he’d never back down and he doesn’t. He never backs down –even to himself.” So, that quieted them down. Finally, one of them goes, “You know, Mr. President, that you’ll be suing yourself, right?”

“Hey,” I says, “you know, no one else knows me as well as I do. And, you know, no one has any more money than me. So, yes, I’m suing me, and there’s going to be much more winning. I wish myself luck in court. It’s going to be a great battle ‘cause no one knows me like me and no one has lawyers like me. See you then.”

Final Note:
Donald J. Trump did, in fact, succeed in his lawsuits which spanned defamation, libel and slander. He was awarded 3.5 million for defamation of character, 6.8 million for the charge of libel and 2.8 for the charge of slander, totaling 13.1 million dollars in damages, as well hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees for both sides. Trump, however, was unable to pay the complete sum of the judgment to himself due to a temporary shortfall, and, due to this fact, declared bankruptcy for a seventh time. “I’ll never forgive that son of a bitch,” Trump declared after his bankruptcy was complete. “I thought I knew him so much better than that. “

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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