By Dr. Ronald Thompson
Are you psychotic? Sure, we all wonder that. In my practice, patients have asked me that question numerous times, and I always give them the same answer: Probably.
But I needed more than that to actually prove that someone is psychotic. Therefore, I've developed a questionnaire for this purpose and, in my research, I came to a surprising conclusion:
We are all batshit crazy.
Answer the following questions honestly. At the end, tally up your score to see your level of psychosis..
Dr. Thompson's Psychosis Questionnaire
If you . . .
1) Have ever been chewing gum or candy, bit the inside of your mouth and jerked your head back in an attempt to pull your face away from your own teeth . . .
2) Have ever looked up the word "dictionary" in the dictionary . . .
3) Have ever been playing Nintendo and jerked the game paddle to the right to make Mario jump farther . . .
4) Have ever treated someone like shit because you lost an argument with them in your own head the night before . . .
5) Keep seeing happy, little demonic faces in Bob Ross paintings . . .
6) Have ever walked through the automatic doors at Wal Mart and made a hand gesture because you were pretending to open them with your Jedi powers . . .
7) Punched someone in the face because they called you a violent person . . .
8) Have ever ridden in a car with a first-time teenage driver and, within two blocks, started pumping that invisible brake . . .
9) Have ever sat on your toilet pretending to be interviewed by the long-retired David Letterman.
10) Are a writer.
Psychotic Measuring Chart
Add up the number of times you answered "yes" and compare it with the chart below.
0 - You're a damn liar
1-3 - This is pretty normal, which means you're probably not very much fun to be around.
4-6 - A functional psychotic. People lock their doors when you walk past their car.
7 or more - You're one crazy sonofabitch. Welcome!