As a social experiment, The Spoof is offering its readers a one-off opportunity, in its on-line quiz, to see if you're bound for heaven or destined for eternal damnation.
The Pope is due in town, and the local populace is getting excited.
a) Do you rush out to your local Argos to buy a pair of knee pads so that you can kneel in the presence of "his Holiness"?
b) Prepare placards decrying the catholic church's culture of sexual abuse?
You are an invited guest at the so-called Last Supper. Jesus Christ, aka The Lamb of God, gets a bit frisky, and asks if he can wash your feet. You know what he's like after a few tipples, so do you:
a) Acquiesce, knowing that he has a date with a cross in the near future?
b) Tell him "piss off, you pervert"?
In the 1980s, the bishop of Durham announced, on a late night television programme, that he didn’t believe in the literal truth of the virgin birth.
a) This is sacrilege, and he should not have been appointed.
b) Too bloody right. Somebody had to get that slapper Mary up the duff, and she had to pretend to her probably-impotent husband that it was a visitation from heaven. Wink! Wink!
Islam is one of the world's great religions, and its adherents worship so-called "God" under the name "Allah", and the Bible is one of its holy books.
a) Do you think Muslims are a threat to Christianity?
b) You don't give a shit. A plague on all their houses.
Mainly a. Do you believe in fairies? Get off your knees. You have been brainwashed, and there is no empirical evidence for a supreme being in the sky.
Even split between a and b. You're obviously wondering if your life of devotion is being wasted but aren't quite sure yet.
Mainly b. You're not fooled by this religious bullshit. Keep at it. Our day will come.