The latest whistleblowing comes from an audio tape secreted in a booth deep inside a Washington D.C. bar called “Club Enobarbus.”
How the specific booth was pinpointed for the listening device is, of course, known only by the CIA and such agencies serving the democracy.
Contents of the audio:
Mr. Trump: Well, I think they don’t understand me well enough, Pompey.
Mr. Pompeo: Well--
Mr. Trump: I’m gonna tweet that the US will invade--and I mean it could be disproportionate--I will invade the globe at all points which resist MY policies for world peace.
Mr. Pompeo: Yes, Mr. President but—
Mr. Trump: No ifs, ands, or buts, Pompey. And whoa—did you see that waitress just went by? Whoa, I shivered, I tell you.
Mr. Pompeo: Mr. President—
Mr. Trump: No, Pompey. Don’t interrupt. Look, it’s like with children. You say Daddy gonna bend you over my knee and give you a whoppin’ you see, like that, and guess what? The kid does what you tell it, which is the right thing to do.
Mr. Pompeo: Mr. President, and that is—
Mr. Trump: To do as I say. It’s as simple as that, isn’t it, Pompey?
(Audio breaks down at this point with a thick thizzing noise like the fart of a hornet. Audio returns.)
Look, the US is still the policeman of the world, and always has been.
Besides, I have an election coming up.
Was my language “exterminated” extreme?
Look, this is what I was told, and haven’t you heard everyone besides me (including a lot of democrats) saying how bad this guy was? I mean he must have been really really bad. I think.
And if not, well, hell, we all make mistakes, so let’s not escalate this situation into something even worse, okay?
And if I can’t hit the historical monuments I’ll think of something else. Trust me.
But thanks for the questions. I’ll get right back on to tweeting after dinner.
(The farting hornet sound comes back on.)