Welcome to what we hope will be a series from our new motoring correspondent. He has a wealth of experience with crashing things, talking crap down the pub, and almost wrote a letter to Top Gear once.
To get things started, we asked him for a quick rundown on new releases and here's what he had to say:
Vauxhall Bojo: Drunkenly veers all over the place and totally uncontrollable. Strangely yellow, and currently not available in Europe. May suit the older driver, but demands careful handling to avoid a massive and spectacular crash.
Humber Hunt: A marketing and engineering nightmare vastly unpopular with most drivers. Given that its name is frequently mispronounced, it isn't expected to sell in large numbers. Has a nasty tendency to annoy even the most experienced driver.
Ford Gove: A car that runs on baking soda and talcum powder should always be avoided. Has a nasty tendency to leak oil, and extremely uncomfortable to drive due to the large knives embedded in the drivers back.
Reliant Raab: A sheep in wolf's clothing, this car claims to do 1000mph, and manufacturers claim it can also smash its way through any traffic jam, despite having a wheel missing. Avoid the satnav option which struggles to identify major ports.
Jensen Javid: Plastic by name, plastic by nature. No need to say anything else. Completely unreliable with a tendency to break down when pushed to its limit.
Singer Stewart: A simple no-nonsense car that sits firmly in the middle of the road, and may become a favourite with family motorists. Beware though, as it has a nasty tendency to veer wildly to the right at unexpected intervals. Warranty is also uncertain.
Morris Momentum: Based on an old 1970s design, and probably best left there. Hammered together by trade unionists, this car is completely unreliable, and only has two gears - neutral and reverse. Sadly, a favourite with urbanites and city dwellers, due to its inability to actually go anywhere.
Luton Liberal: A completely unfathomable amalgamation of other manufacturers' spare parts. Growing in popularity due to rarity value, but is totally unreliable and likely to move to your neighbour's driveway on its own if you cannot afford the high maintenance.
Skoda SNP: A hateful nasty thing that's expensive to run, and only available in tartan trim. Note that this car is not available anywhere except Edinburgh and Glasgow.
Chevrolet Cymru: An unusual vehicle with largely unintelligible dashboard. Has a unique voice recognition system that actively misunderstands vowels or any modern language.
Bristol Brexiteer: A unique blend of American stupidity and British Accountants. This monstrosity is expensive to run, highly unreliable, and likely to break down at a minute's notice. Can only be serviced in the US, and running costs are expected to be high. Currently only available as a prototype.
Thats' a quick summary for now, folks. I hope to soon give you my experiences with the Renault Remoaner, Volvo BlueRinse and Ferrari Bellendia. Also, look out for my reviews of the Citroen SJW, Peugeot Cockwomble and Audi Arrogance STD.