Tory leadership candidate admits mugging grannies but insists that was years ago and he’s really sorry

Written by Cleopatra Chaos

Tuesday, 11 June 2019

image for Tory leadership candidate admits mugging grannies but insists that was years ago and he’s really sorry
Tory candidate for PM

William Anchor, one of the candidates in the Tory leadership contest, today admitted that he may have mugged some grannies in his youth, but insisted that it was in single figures, none of them died and it was a long, long time ago. Anchor, one of fifty-seven wannabes for the position of “prime minister without a general election”, added that he’s really sorry about it, and, just to prove it, he helped the postman deliver some mail to an elderly woman who lives near his constituency home. The post turned out to be a gas bill.

The Weekly Chronicle had exposed, in a headline yesterday, how a young Anchor would walk the streets of Toxteth and the East End of London, armed with a cosh, looking for elderly women to rob, often taking their food stamps and spare NHS prescription glasses, which he would sell at the Eton School tuck shop for two ha’pennies and a glass of ginger beer.

Several of the other fifty-six candidates have already admitted a host of criminal acts, from parking on double yellow lines to selling arms to North Korea, though the bookies’ favourite, Chuck Karloff, has refused to reveal his past sins. “My anatomical structures will remain firmly in my attire repository,” he said.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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