Thou shalt have no other gods before me (except for me, the President).
Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in or on one of my hotels, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth, especially sharks. (I’m not sure why I created them.) For I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, tweeting iniquities about your kids and their grandkids down the line. But I’ll show mercy to millions of them that adore me, and show up for my rallies.
Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain, because that would be pointless. I’m already vain. Booyah!
Remember the Sabbath day, to watch football all day. And goddammit, you’d better stand for the national anthem, unless you’re sitting on a toilet tweeting.
Honor thy fathers and thy stepmothers: that thy days may be long upon the land and God willing, you outlive all your wives.
Thou shalt not kill, except when you’re an officer confronted by an angry, unarmed person of color.
Thou shalt not commit adultery. Really! Seriously! I never cheated on any of my wives except when the relationship turned shi—I mean, sour.
Thou shalt not steal—and get caught.
Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, unless, of course, your recollection keeps changing. (Thanks for that, Rudy!)
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, nor shalt thou covet thy neighbor's wife, unless, of course, she’s really hot or looks like Stormy Daniels. Then you—I mean, “thou”—get a pardon.