Slim as a bin-liner Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, is targeting people's appearance as a major parameter for budget strategy.
The increase in tax on sugary soft drinks is merely the tip of the iceberg for Cameron's financial darling. "Yes", confirmed a spokesman for the Chancellor, "there's more to come."
Osborne is planning to ban all clothing of XXL size and above from 2020, while a 'fat tax' will be levied on any XL garments. Children will be tested for 'wobbly tummies' at the onset of every school year, and families will be subject to an additional 'flab' tax should their offspring not meet the 'lean' level.
"Obesity is a huge issue. It can and must be combated and anyone seemingly overweight deserves to be ostracized by society in general. In fact, we are even considering fines, imprisonment and deporting. I want the whole of Britain to be perfectly proportioned, like me....". explained Osborne.
Opposition leader, Jeremy Corbyn, was sceptical. "It's discriminatory, isn't it? Worse than a bit of bulge is plain ugliness. How about a tax on that - starting with Cameron and Osborne. That should be enough for a new Trident!"
Plans to introduce scanners and scales to automatically calculate the BMI (Body Mass Index) of passengers when they enter trains and buses, and to reject those classified as overweight, were unveiled yesterday. "This will contribute to making public transport lighter and faster", beamed the Chancellor. "I really don't understand why nobody's thought of it before. All these obese slobs roaming the streets of our nation are damaging our pavements. Portly people shouldn't be allowed to use zebra crossings, for example. They dent the stripes."
Boris Johnson was not available for comment.