May 31, 2015
3 minutes after Vespers
Written on my iPhone
Sent by email to the website, "PrayersGalore.universe
Dear Holy Spirit,
Yesterday I prayed to Jesus, God, Mary, St. Dominick the thin, Mother Doris,and Nun Kolodnic. I asked for wisdom, guidance, truth, clarity, and a bagel with cream cheese.
I hope you are not offended that I didn't include you in my prayers. It wasn't an oversight. As you know, I keep track of my prayers and the results I get from praying. Your record is not so good. The effectiveness of your prayer is 13%, which means that 87% of the time you suck. You're worse than average.
So I spent the night in holy meditation, searching the Old Testament, the New Testament, the commentaries to "Portnoy's Complaint," and "The Return of Zorro," for some clue.
In the wee hours of the morning, when the sun came up, it dawned on me that I could do no worse by selecting anyone at random to pray to.
I always like the "Tooth Fairy," when I was a kid. I never failed to get something, a lollypop, a dollar, a box of Mike and Ike's Red Hots.
So, I'm sorry to say, I'm switching.
No personal animosity, I hope.
I'm still keeping, St. Dominick the thin, Mother Doris,and Nun Kolodnic, because they're still up there per cent wise. God and Jesus are borderline and I've decided to give them the benefit of the doubt for now.
I want to thank you for your past service, but I'm still upset that when I skied down the hill, you let me crash into the gate on #15, which made me careen into the obscured oak tree at the edge of the opening resulting in my present hospital stay.
I know just before I hit the tree I yelled, "Help me Holy Spirit," calling on you for help.
On the other hand it could have been, "Help me Holy Mary," and you're getting a bad rap, but I have a concussion and can't be sure of anything.