Wayne Rooney is seeking solace from his marital problems by refusing to leave the Mancehster United team bus. United arrived at Goodison Park for their Premier League game with Everton today, but the potato-headed England striker refused to disembark.
Rooney had been sat near the rear of the bus for the duration of the journey, carving his name into the back of a seat with a compass. But on arrival at Goodison Park, he refused to leave his seat and get off the bus - forcing manager Sir Alex Ferguson to replace him in the squad with either Michael Owen or a beef tomato... whichever performed better in the warm up.
United defender Patrice Evra says something in Rooney just snapped:
" He was fine on the way here - his usual self... playing a game of Top Trumps (Hookers edition) with Kiki Macheda. But when the bus stopped, he just wouldn't leave. He kept saying he didn't want to go outside.
"Sir Alex tried dragging him out, and gave him the full hairdryer. But it's not happening - Wazza says he wants to stay on there til this whole thing with the whores blows over."
With the tabloids not showing any sign of relenting in their pursuit of anyone who might have funnelled Rooney's pork on a boozey night in the North-West - it is believed the playmaker may be bus-bound for some time.
His manager, Sir Alex Ferguson, tried to remain positive:
"One of the reasons that Wayne is such a special player is because he's stuck on a bus. Sometimes that will mean he doesn't play, but if you took the 'being stuck on a bus' element out of his game, he would lose some of his cutting edge."
Reports from inside United's Carrington training ground suggest they are looking at ways of making Wayne Rooney available for matches DESPITE still being stuck on the bus. A spokesman for Nike said:
"We're trying to make a shirt big enough to fit a Mercedes 71-seat exeuctive coach. Then Rooney can just hang around the door and poach a few goals without ever leaving the vehicle. Most teams that go to Old Trafford try and park the bus infront of the goal anyway... we've just gotta make sure Rooney's on it at the time."
Bookmakers are already offering 8-1 that Rooney scores a Premier League goal whilst on some form of public transport this season. Matthew Etherington has had a bet on it.
Meanwhile, FA bosses have offered to release a sack full of ferrets and Joey Barton on to the coach, in order to try and flush Rooney out.
