Only Hollywood Can Save the World!

Funny story written by Ana Sian

Saturday, 9 July 2022

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Pop Culture Kills Fascists!

The FBI and MI5 have teamed up because China is apparently a huge enough threat that they have to.

Jason Bourne and James Bond can no longer save the world – it’s just too fucked.

So it got me thinking. What can both Britain and, especially, the USA do which China and Russia cannot do as well?

Make TV and movies!

(Yes, I realize the Russians have a long and wonderful cinematic tradition, but all those good Russian filmmakers are long dead, possibly from too much delicious ‘gulag’.)

So what America should do is stop making ridiculous Marvel superhero movies (if anyone – and I mean frickin’ anyone bad-mouths Martin Scorsese … you’ve seen Goodfellas, right? Take the cannoli) and start making movies like they did in the 1980s.

Yes, I know they were jingoistic, but right now we need that jingo. Rambo, Arnold, Van Damme, Chuck Norris … they’re all old and on Viagra. (I do not include Steven Seagal because he is already owned by Putin). The Reagan Era is happily dead, but the Russian (and now Chinese) threats have returned.

So make some movies and TV shows portraying Chinese and Russian evil fuckers who get boomed real good! Show how China buys up the world, and only some British (not Mr. Bean) or American (not Vince Vaughan, Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson or any of the neo-brat pack you’ve seen in Pineapple Express or The Hangover. No more comedies unless they make fun of China and Russia – a two-pronged attack.) can save the day.

Propaganda is the name of everyone’s game. And it’s no longer done with just leaflets dropped from planes, or on the nightly news (which no one believes anymore – my local newscaster loves to tell me about the latest potholes and fun-filled Summer Festivals going on around town! Wow! Come on nuclear war – no one’s looking!)

But if you make a single shitty movie, which makes millions, then millions around the world will see it and some make take on the opinions of that movie. (Didn’t Jaws make us all afraid to go swimming? Didn’t Red Dawn make you want to kill Russians with your hunting rifle? Didn’t La La Land make you want to projectile vomit? See how powerful movies can be?)

So America and Britain, use what you have and what they do not have. China is not going to win any awards in film since it’s tough to put a good spin on Mao Tse Tung after he killed 30 million of his own people (or was it 60 million?), and there’s really only one way to sanely perceive the Tiananmen Square Massacre. And Russia? Dr. Zhivago was a book and a movie criticizing Russia, as most good Russian movies and books do – that’s why to hate Russia will win you an award. And those who make literary or cinematic love letters to Russian will stay there … forever.

Ready to take back the world from China and Russia?

Just say: action!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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