RANCHO CUCAMONGA, California – (Satire News) – The Omnium Gatherum News Agency reports that city authorities in Rancho Cucamonga have shut down the town’s oldest senior citizen’s nursing home.
OGNA writer Ashburn Wasabi, stated that he spoke with the home's manager, Milly Tuckweather, and asked her what prompted the closing of the 73-year old facility.
The stunningly beautiful 37-year-old green-eyed blonde, with a look of quasi-embarrassment confided to Wasabi that the reason was a sexual one.
She pointed out that the average age of male residents is 77, and 73 for females.
Miss Tuckweather, who just recently divorced her husband of 16 years, then went on to say that about two months ago, someone, from the outside snuck in a box with over 7,000 counterfeit Viagra pills.
The pills were quickly purchased by not only the old men, but also by the old women; and next thing you know, the place turned into one big, gigantic senior citizen orgy center.
Tuckweather giggled as she commented that female screams could be heard throughout the facility at all hours of the night.
It was learned that one elderly woman, Loretta Sue Pumpaweiser, 83, who claimed that she had not had sexual relations in 42 years, suddenly turned into a lasciviously licentious, lecherous octogenarian nymphomaniac.
Ms. Tuckweather pointed out that it was learned that Ms Pumpaweiser had molested 52 of the home’s 93 male residents.
SIDENOTE: The city of Rancho Cucamonga has promised that they will conduct a thorough investigation. But they wanted to make it known that in the meanwhile, Loretta Sue has been put on a Greyhound bus headed for Green Bay, Wisconsin.
