Guatemala Reveals The Nation’s Most Nortorious Drug Cartel Hitwoman

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Saturday, 8 January 2022

image for Guatemala Reveals The Nation’s Most Nortorious Drug Cartel Hitwoman
Before becoming a hitwoman, Maria Sofia worked as a pole dancer at La Casa De Nalgas in Guatemala City.

GUATEMALA CITY, Guatemala – (Satire News) – Guatemala’s El Platano News Agency has just revealed that one of the country’s most notorious hitmen is actually a hitwoman.

El Plat reporter Paloma Bocalinda, actually spoke with the woman in question in the parking lot of a local McDonalds.

Miss Bocalinda described the infamous ‘Drug Muchacha” as having movie star good looks and being a statuesque, slender, blonde woman in her late 20s.

The "Sicaria" (hitwoman), who is not the least bit hesitant about using her real name, is Maria Sofia Sopapilla, who was born and raised just outside of Guatemala City in the tiny papaya-growing village of Papayaville, a small village that exports more papayas than China exports fortune cookies.

“La Sopa” as members of the Guatemalan drug world call her, is employed by one of the top drug cartels in Central America.

Maria Sofia works for the Tapachula Hombres Drug Cartel which is led by drug lord Gomer Ixtantan.

Ixtantan is not only noted for exporting billions of dollars of cocaine to the US, he is also the owner of one of Guatemala’s best pro soccer teams; the Guatemala City Banananistas of the Central American Liga de Soccer.

“La Sopa” was asked how much money she makes for being the top drug hitwomen in Central America.

The light-skinned beauty smiled, as she took a sip of her Diet Dr. Pepper, then tugged at her long-flowing blonde hair, and replied with a slight accent, “Less shust seys dat dee feegyur she ease zum place betweens $1 mealyun and $6.3 mealyun ju es dullers.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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