MANHATTAN – (Satire News) – The Alpha Beta News Agency reports that a 32-year-old Central Park security guard was attacked by a homeless man yielding a Dick Weber Commemorative bowling ball.
Rudyard P. Festoon, says that he was sitting on a park bench eating a Coney Island hot dog, when he was approached by a man wearing a tattered MAGA cap, a torn New York Islanders shirt, and Mitch McConnell boxer shorts, that were two sizes too big.
The man, who has been identified as Sylvester Toot, asked Festoon for directions to Trump Tower.
Just as Festoon was giving him the directions the man suddenly reached into his back pack, pulled out a bowling ball and hit him on his left shoulder blade.
Festoon’s security guard training quickly kicked in, and he took out a can of pepper spray and sprayed the bowling ball-yielding son-of-a-bitch with 7 squirts.
Toot fell the ground and Festoon jumped on his right tibia, causing the perp to scream as if he had just had his balls caught in the wringer.
A passerby, who was visiting from Detroit, video taped the whole incident and sold it to the iRumors News Agency.
When asked by a reporter with New York’s Channel 99 Eye-Spectator News why he attacked the security guard with a bowling ball, Toot simply replied that he had left his Daniel Boone Commemorative Knife back at his apartment in the Bronx, and his grandmother Iddly Sue Toot had borrowed his Glock-9 handgun.
Meanwhile, in Switzerland, the government is reporting that two of the countries biggest chocolate factories have shut down due to the so-called Carrageenan Scandal.