NIPPLE BEACH, Florida – (Satire News) – The holiday that the entire nation has been dreading since last summer has arrived.
Yes, Spring Break is here, and she’s reared her ugly “Maskless” face. Millions of college students from all over the nation, along with thousands from France, Denmark, and Pisagovia will be descending on the Plywood State like mosquitos squatting on top of Okefenokee Swamp.
Merchants who sell beer, suntan lotion, condoms, pizza, Cheetos, and penicillin are smiling from ear-to-ear.
But, according to one local Florida sheriff, lurking just below the surface is the largest concentration of Coronapalooza germs in the entire solar system.
Dr. Litwin W. Simpsonellico, an ear-nose-and-throat doctor from Daytona Beach, said that he personally took sand samples of one of the state’s largest and most popular beaches, and found it to contain 6,903 units of the dreaded C-19 per square inch of beach.
He added that, to put it in perspective, that is enough COVID to literally stop a stampeding herd of 4,000 Texas longhorn cattle dead in their tracks (no pun intended).
The good doctor was asked what he would suggest to try to stop this potentially catastrophic situation that will soon hit Florida and other states with public beaches.
Dr. Simpsonellico, simply shook his head and said, “Well, for me that’s a very easy answer. My wife and I are going to stay self-isolated in our double-wide trailer in Oskaloosa, Iowa, thousands and thousands of miles from any friggin' beaches!”