SAN ANTONIO – (Satire News) – The Lone Star State is currently experiencing the worst snowstorm in the history of the state.
The entire state is closed, and only Canadian Mallard ducks are coming in.
State meteorologists are saying the ironic thing about this tremendous blizzard is that it did not come from the North Pole, or Alaska, or even Canada. This snow blizzard, which has dumped a record 67 inches on most Texas cities and towns, came from Guatemala.
The blizzard called El Nino’s Grandmama entered Texas from Guatemala by way of Mexico. Reporters from El Paso to Texarkana are all saying that the damn border wall did not work worth a damn.
Leland T. Bumble, a cattle rancher outside of San Antonio, was out gathering up his stray cattle, when he came upon what looked like an ice statue. As he got closer he saw that encased in about 55 pounds of ice was the ugliest-looking creature he had ever seen.
Bumble said that, when he got real close to it, he noticed that this astonishingly grotesque creature looked like a cross between Ted “Count Dracula” Cruz, and Marjorie “The Human Scarecrow” Taylor Greene.
Leland, who has a degree in Horse Castration, and another one in Cowboy Cuisine, said that his four bloodhounds tried to bite the ice figurine, but they didn’t even make a dent in it.
The life-long rancher then called up the local game warden, Francisco Tampico, who drove out to his ranch, El Rancho Sancho, post-haste.
After looking at the ice statue from eight different angles, Tampico decided to load the ice figurine into his pick-up truck, and take it to Solid State College, in downtown San Antonio.
Tampico said the ice creature will be examined by expert veterinarians who will take DNA samples to see if it is, in fact, the dreaded infamous La Chupacabra.
Meanwhile, recent sports reports that the 2024 Winter Olympics may be held in Texas, have been greatly exaggerated.
