Wood-Burners must burn wood, claim German scientists

Funny story written by Jaggedone

Tuesday, 13 October 2020

image for Wood-Burners must burn wood, claim German scientists
The only place for a 'warm-winter-bonk' is in front of your wood-burner, but only use wood!

Winter is approaching, so human resistance to cold feet, flu, common-colds, cold sex in bed, dark nights, creeps wandering our streets at 05.00 pm instead of 11.00 pm, plus other negative aspects of winter is diminishing. German scientists have done an internet study, non-fake, in how to prevent people committing winter suicide.

As if dealing with normal winter depressions isn't bad enough, we also have to cope with the burden of COVID-19 infiltrating our minds and bodies, and turning us into a race of recluse-internet-zombies. (Maybe FB, Twitter, WhatsApp, Snapchat, etc, and Chinese versions of these, are really behind the pandemic - who knows?)

German scientists at the Max Planck Institute in Berlin analysed several methods of defeating winter depressions, and cold feet; here are their results:

A) Make sure your partner does not take cold feet to bed, suck then warm first.

B) Always look on the bright side of life, if there are any bright sides.

C) Only go outside if you have to feed freezing stray cats or dogs. They do not transmit the Coronavirus and, if you do something good, it makes you feel better!

D) Stock up on whisky and cognac, if you can afford it.

E) Stop jumping into a freezing bed naked. It's deadly for sex, and reduces any possibility of warmth or growth in erogenous zones.

F) Purchase an electric blanket instead.

However, the most important way of beating winter depressions is, they say, make sure your wood-burner burns wood! Because many owners of wood-burners burn paper, their fingers attempt to barbecue on the thing, pour turpentine on it, and generally abuse the most important utility in winter; the good old-fashioned wood-burner!

In addition, the best place to have red-hot sex is in front of a wood-burner, after downing a bottle of red-wine, cognac, or whisky, and lying on a bear rug where it's tickly, cosy and warm.

There is a scientists warning however; never put your freezing feet or bum next to the door, you could get chilblains, or a red-hot-burnt-bum!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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