GULFPORT, Mississippi – (Satire News) – TV’s top-rated singing show, American Idol, has returned for its 19th season, and there were some interesting contestants.
AI's host, Ryan Seacrest, sported a brand new $2,000 hairdo, while Katy Perry was dressed as a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, complete with white super-short shorts, a skimpy blue halter top, and blue and gray pom-poms.
Judge Luke Bryan wore his customary farm overalls, and Judge Lionel Richie was dressed in a sparkling orange outfit that would put a West Hollywood pimp to shame.
The evening’s first contestant was Alvin “Cowpoke” Marconi, from Chicken Creek, Kentucky. He sang an old Johnny Cash song, "Mama Done Went and Burned Da Biscuits Again".
He received three yeses from the judges, but Lionel Richie told him that he really should have left his horse out in the parking lot.
The next contestant was Darlene Sparkle, who sang with her daddy accompanying her on the guitar. She sang "Gosh Darn Damnit All, If I Ain’t With Child Again", by Loretta Lynn.
She did not please any of the judges, who said she should stick to being a waitress at her local hometown Dairy Queen in Cricket Balls, Mississippi.
Her father got so upset at his baby girl being rejected, that he slammed his $27 Walmart guitar against the American Idol's $13,000 piano.
Security rushed in, put him in handcuffs, and took him away, with Darlene crying and saying that her daddy has had a drinking problem ever since an egg-laying hen bit him on his scrotum back in 2011.
Next up was Marco del Marco, from Passaic, New Jersey. Marco was dressed as a New York Jets football player. He sang the Celine Dion hit song, "I'm Not Anorexic, I'm Just Short as Hell".
All three judges hated him, and he got three nos. As he left, he took off his football helmet, and angrily tossed it towards the judges' table, hitting Katy and breaking one of her 4-inch long thumbnails.
Overall, 13 contestants got the yellow ticket to Hollywood.