Police criticised for arresting celebrity who beat up his girlfriend

Written by Cleopatra Chaos

Monday, 17 February 2020

image for Police criticised for arresting celebrity who beat up his girlfriend
Police warn showbiz celebrities they could be arrested if they hurt people

Social media users attacked a decision by police to arrest Norbert Willy, the host of reality television show “Let’s Do Lots of Fucking in Public”, for beating up his girlfriend Mandy.

Mandy had telephoned emergency services, complaining that her boyfriend was hitting her in the head with a candlestick in the study, but by the time police arrived, the pair had made up and were giving each other blood-soaked smoochies. Police nevertheless arrested the scumbag, as they had him bang to rights.

Now, however, millions of fans of LDLFP, together with other celebrities who fear they could be arrested if they beat up people, are demanding that police drop all charges and that any trial will be a “show trial”.

The cops are picking on us celebrities," whined Dillon Frostdick, who presents a show on Radio 5 Live, plus several BBC programmes. “It’s like they’re jealous of us or something."

LDLFP is a TV smash hit, where good-looking people seeking fame spend the entire show fucking one another in shopping malls and sports grounds, and then bleating about it in front of a camera. It has won five Grammy awards and has been the subject of many spin-offs, such as “People Do Oral in a Shopping Centre” and the more mercurial “Milf ex-BBC Presenters Sail to the Isle of Lesbos”. It is rumoured that a celebrity spin-off entitled “Celebrities Do Lots of Fucking in Public” will be released next year, and will feature celebrities of all ages shagging each other all day.

Jeremy Wienerschnitzel, who recently came out of the closet despite a 27-year marriage to his childhood sweetheart and three daughters, summed up the celebrities concerns. “People who are rich and famous should be allowed to beat up whoever they like, maybe even have sex with teenagers, and certainly not be arrested, let alone put on trial."

Meanwhile, Mandy, who claims that her twenty-seven candlestick-shaped injuries to her cranium were caused by accidentally falling out of bed, said that Norbert is the kindest, gentlest man on earth, who wouldn’t even hurt a fly, and that she is worried that the stress of facing a trial for assault, even if he was technically guilty, could push him over the edge and cause him to kill himself.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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