Tuesday, 9 October 2018

image for Apprentice Review: Apprentice Candidates Reach Peak Self Entitlement
Apprentice candidate Gunther just before being euthanised

It's Apptober again! The Apprentice has returned for another season and this year the candidates are more hapless than ever. Take IT Consultant Prakash, who has a very unique way of producing wealth. "I ooze wealth from my every pore." Explains Prakash, "I eat, sleep, dream and shit money. If Laird Sugar chooses me, I will crap him out gold nuggets directly from my arsehole." Or Media Buyer Petronella VonNork "I work hard and I play hard. When I play, I play to win, I win at all costs, I cost the Earth. I'm high maintenance and I maintain high standards. I set the standards, I raise the bar and the bar is high. Summer time and the living is easy. What was I saying again?"

Lord Sugar began introductions with his usual volley of puns "Let me tell you one thing I don't like: I don't like schmoozers, I don't like boozers, I don't like cruisers and most of all I don't like losers. I don't like twisters, blisters, or limp-wristers. I shoot from the hip, but if you give me lip, you'll be on the tip. Don't try and flatter me, or patter me, or chatter me. I can't bought or sold, I only like one colour, and that's gold."

This was followed by a good-natured ribbing of the new candidates "So Donard, it says here that your best asset is your 'business flare'. Would that be flared trousers? Will you be taking us back to the 1970s? Eh? Eh? Pretty good, aye Karen? Claude? Claude!"

In this/last/next week's task, the two teams, Testosterone and She-Wolf will compete to run the most successful stall at a primary school fĂȘte. Testosterone have been given the lemonade stand, and soon run into trouble when it emerges that Bradley has bought a substandard lemon cordial, and hasn't watered-down the drinks enough. Team captain, Winston, complains that the rest of the team aren't selling hard enough, as he tries to placate a horde of angry mums. The girls of She-Wolf also have a torrid time on the Lucky-Dip when they discover Casandra has paid over the odds for a pack of Haribo. "You'll cost us this task!" hisses Imelda.

Who will triumph and who will face the chop? Tune in for the next/last/latest episode of The Apprentice.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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