Trying to stay hip and relevant, NBC released late last night via Twitter and Instapoop, (their latest news flushing service,) that they have reached an all binding deal with Brian Williams, in what seems to be a winner-take-all bid to retain the news anchor's desk, on a media platform that is going down the crapper at full speed (hence their new service.) Details of the deal were still sketchy at the time of this report, but loosely explain that in order to get his job back, Mr. Williams must team up with Al Roker and Martha Stewart, and helicopter themselves into Tikrit, Iraq and rescue the whole damn town from ISIS.
We caught up with a super-pumped Mr. Williams, on the very first day of assault-training for his mission, in a junkyard commonly known as Trenton, New Jersey. "That rusted out van over there is our State Capitol," Mr. Williams said, proudly pointing out a piece of his native state's sordid history. "Boy, I've sure seen some stuff go down in there, I tell ya," he added with wistful nostalgia, followed with the unfortunate air of disbelief, that now seem to follow most of the words that leave his lips. To this reporter, it was almost as if Mr. Williams, himself, didn't actually believe his own words anymore, and perhaps this is why we were standing in this rusty junkyard called Trenton. "Perhaps I'm misremembering again," he said forlornly. "I don't know anything anymore."
We crouched down behind "City Hall" and watched a well-padded Mr. Williams be firstly lit on fire, then beaten with wooden clubs, then chased around by a frenzy of 500CC motorcycles and then attacked by dogs on the "front lawn" of this "State Capitol."
"Bring it on," Williams, now 55, still seemed to challenge, just prior to the release of 4 slobbering German Shepherds who seemed to have had their breakfast rations slashed and were eager for balls.
We caught up with a still horizontal Brian, just after the attack. "Feels good," he murmured softly, trying to clutch his groin region. "Besides, I think they've mostly got Martha on dogs," he added through wincing tears.
Eager NBC executives refused to release anymore details regarding the exact danger levels of the deal until they see just how well Al Roker is at flying a Chinook Helicopter. But Mr. Williams did reveal to this reporter, that the mission to save the jobs of him and his two colleagues should be way easier than the time he drove an old army jeep straight into Pakistan and took out Bin Laden and a hole bunch of other "real bad guys" all by himself.
