ISIS has built or purchased, "from parties unknown," a time machine and is traveling into Iraq's "ancient past," to destroy the Assyrian city of Nimrod, the United Nations recently whined.
"We are heartbroken," archaeologists sniffed, "and outraged."
UN cultural icon Alex Plaything called the destruction "more savage barbarity directed against Iraq's heritage, such as it is."
"They are erasing our past," Dr. Llama Camel complained, "and, in the Middle East, an Arab lives in the past."
ISIS calls the shrines and statues it has destroyed "false idols," as opposed to their own god, whom they maintain is "the one true Idol."
"If, in sacking such places centuries ago, Europeans invaders had looted them, carrying their booty back to the own lands, these artifacts would be have been saved," Camel pouted.
In addition to their time machine, ISIS is using other "cutting-edge" technology, such as sledgehammers, to destroy the artifacts, or "idols."
Camel warned U. S. citizens, "They'll be coming for your 'idols,' too, soon enough, and you will lose your statues of your ancient gods--gone will be the likeness of Dizneyland's Mickey Mouse; the bare-breasted Spirit of Justice statue, with her bare tatas; and, of course the sculptures of Ronald McDonald and Big Boy."
The attacks have been "roundly condemned" by the U. N.
Prezident Obummer also weighed in on the vandalism. "First," he said, "ISIS is not an Islamic group, despite its own contrary declarations, and, second, why don't I, the most powerful man on the planet--and the handsomest, if you can believe Michelle--have a time machine?"