Written by Gee Pee

Tuesday, 24 February 2015

image for Bri Willyums: "I'll be bok!"
Bri Williams, impersonating his allegedy late brother Robby

Bri Willyums, late of NBC, Proud as a Peacock, is known to play fast and loose, from time to time (and maybe all the time) with the truth, so his statements, especially about himself, have to be taken with a grain (or a ton) of salt.

Having reminded readers of this tendency on the part of Willyums to "embroider" events, here's the scoop on the retired NBC, Proud as a Peacock, anchor.

He alleges that he was born on May 5, 1959, in Elmira, New Yawk, where, at one time, according to Willyums such celebrities as Harriet Beecher Stowe and Mark Twain resided. It was his ancestors, he says, who gave Stowe the idea for Uncle Tom's Cabin and ghosted Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. "From our earliest days," Willyums asserted, "my family has been in the thick of things."

He may be the son of Dorothy May Bee or Dorothy Pompous (he says he's not certain which, if either, might have been his mother) and of Gordy Louis Willyums. He also contends that he is the youngest of four siblings, three of whom are jealous and envious of him.

He maintains, further, that, during high school, he was a volunteer firefighter and received a commendation for extinguishing the fires of Hell. It was during a touch football game with neighborhood girls that he acquired his "crooked nose." (He won't say where he acquired anything else that is "crooked" about him.)

Willyums alleges that he started his broadcast career in Pittsburg, KS, where he met Dennis Rader, the infamous BTK serial killer.

"Before Denny became a serial killer," Willyums says he tried to "help" Rader, but "it was too late; by then, BTK had already begun to have sex with and mutilate Barbie dolls with pinking shears."

Next, Willyums made up the news for a radio station in the nation's capital before "leaving for a gig in Philly and then moving on to the Big Apple." He changed jobs frequently, he admits, because employers found his stories "a tad too colorful for their tastes."

Willyums began to anchor NBC, Proud as a Peacock Nightly News in 2004, covering three disasters: the Asian tsunami, which nearly drowned him, he says; Hurricane Katrina, where he saw dead people, was attacked by street gangs, and imbibed dysentery; and his acceptance of the anchor position offered to him by NBC, Proud as a Peacock Nightly News.

NBC narrowly avoided a Peabody Award for Willyums' sensationalized reporting of his affair with Hurricane Katrina.

Time magazine was impressed, too, naming Willyums one of the 1,000,000,000 most influential people on the planet.

In 2009, Arizona State University awarded him the Walter Kryptonite Award for Exaggeration in Journalism. At the time, Willyums gushed, "I have always considered Kryptonite a "fastidious newsman who brought credibility and respect to the news reporting racket.."

A few years later, Willyums said that Kryptonite had called him a "fastidious newsman" at the time, applauding Willyums for bringing credibility and respect to the news reporting racket. "I taught him everything he knows," Willyums added.

As an anchor, Willyums also received a dozen Enema Awards, and his show was the most watched news program in the United States. "You can fool all of the people some of the time, just as Honest Abe said," he quipped.

However, in February 2015, Willyums suspended himself for "a few days" before executives at NBC, Proud as a Peacock, added six months without pay to the suspension. They claimed that their golden boy had embellished the truth once too often, threatening the integrity of the company's bottom line.

Supposedly, Willyums lied about an Iraq War helicopter; a New Orleans Superdome suicide, which he'd first heard with his own ears and later actually had seen with his own eyes; his presence at the fall of the Berlin Wall; and, possibly, "other stuff."

Reportedly, Willyums is "enjoying" his time off.

"He's earned it," loved ones say.

Willyums and his wife (whose name is either Jane Gillman Willyums or Jane Gillman Stodgy, depending on Willyums' mood at the time he misspeaks of her), allegedly have the daughter, Alley, whom Willyums "always wanted."

In his spare time, Willyums was a member of the board of directors of the Congressional Medal of Honor Foundation. He resigned shortly after NBC, Proud as a Peacock suspended him.

Willyums claims to "miss everybody" at NBC, Proud as a Peacock, but confesses to enjoy his personal space. He is considering writing his memoirs, if he can get his facts right.

At the end of his suspension, he warns, "Like the Terminator, I'll be bok!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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