Bill O'Reilly Fights Backs

Funny story written by Norman Birnbach

Friday, 6 March 2015

"They are in the business to injure," Mr. O'Reilly added. "This is a political hit job."

"Bill O'Reilly, Fox News Host, Fights Back at Claims of Exaggerated Stories ," Feb. 22, 2015

You're only embattled if you did something wrong. And I, your humble correspondent, didn't do anything wrong. I just report the facts as I see them but I do want to make a few things clear.

  • I never apologize. If I didn't apologize to that producer for sexual harassment, and she had, um, harder evidence, I'm not going to apologize now. I'm especially not going to post an apology note written in my own sloppy handwriting. I'm a patriot not a pinhead like A-Rod.
  • There's a difference between Brian Williams and me, and it's not just that he was embedded in an actual war zone while I was stationed in Buenos Aires. His lie overshadowed American combat soldiers, real heroes. Mine didn't involve American soldiers since we weren't part of that conflict, or any actual British soldiers since I was 1,300 miles away from them.
  • Also, Williams is a journalist while I'm a former reporter. As a journalist, he has to report the facts accurately. As for me, I can sift through the facts to tell my viewers what's really going on, at least in my own mind.
  • You can cover an event without being on the ground. All those reporters who covered the lunar landing did so from earth. That's about 238,000 miles away -- much further than the distance between Buenos Aires and the Falklands yet I don't hear anyone from the liberal elite doubting Walter Cronkite's coverage of the Apollo missions.
  • When I was in Boston, back in the '70s, I spent many hours in that city's Combat Zone, patronizing such establishments as the Teddy Bare Lounge and the Naked i Cabaret. If they were still in business, they'd remember me. That should put to bed any claims that I did not spend time in a combat zone.
  • Furthermore, my war experience includes: visiting some battleground states during the last presidential election, serving on the front lines of two ongoing separate-but-equal conflicts -- the "Culture War" and "War Against Christmas" -- and watching raw footage of the annual running of customers as Wal-Mart opens its doors on Black Friday.
  • Not only did I cover the war in El Salvador, I once sat through " Un Chien Andalou" written by Salvador Dali. That was a surrealistic experience and so is being attacked by a political hack with an agenda. Why does he have credibility anywhere? Why would CNN or anybody else take anything he says seriously? (Actual quote.) To be clear, I'm talking about the Mother Jones reporter.
  • The best defense is an offense. So when a whack job like this far-left zealot attacks my veracity to smear my reputation, I go into attack mode - another example of my battle experience. Sometimes the person gets what's coming to them but never sees it coming. (Actual quote.) Sometimes I tell them, "I am coming after you with everything I have. You can take it as a threat." (Actual quote.)
  • No matter what I say, I know that haters gonna hate, hate, hate. Again, to be clear, I'm talking about the Mother Jones reporter.
  • The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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