DETROIT – (Satire News) – The new “Smash & Grab” sickness is really getting out of hand.
Reporter Papaya Bamboo with Tabloid Today was the first to report that originally the “Smash & Grab” jerks and jerkettes were hitting high-dollar stores like Macy’s, Nordstroms, Victoria’s Secret, Saks Fifth Avenue, and The Land of Bras Shoppe.
But now the brazen bastards and bitches are hitting fast food establishments.
Miss Bamboo reports that the first fast food eatery in the nation to be hit is a McDonald’s in downtown Detroit.
According to a Detroit Police Department report, 47 “S & Gers” stampeded into the Mickey D’s at noon, and within 55 seconds made off with 147 Big Macs, 88 McRibs, 24 McSushi burgers, 69 McMuffins, 103 Kids Happy Meals, a life-size Ronald McDonald statue, 371 drinking straws, and 404 McKetchup packets.
SIDENOTE: Tabloid Today reports that Detroit detectives have promised that every last one of the 47 pathetic, pitiful, pieces-of-baboon shit perps will be apprehended, arrested, jailed, and put on a $300,000 bond.