TARZANA, Cailfornia – (Satire News) – The Tarzan & Jane Petting Zoo was the victim of a flash mob’s smash and grab attack.
According to security video, the incident occurred at 3:05 am, when most of the petting zoo animals were sound asleep.
Video showed a group of 13 individuals entering the corral and making off with a bunch of animals including a woodchuck, a turkey, a beaver, a koala bear, and a flamingo.
The petting zoo director was visibly upset and was very concerned because the beaver is on a special wooden diet of tree bark, lumber, and #2 pencils.
The Tarzana Police Department was able to apprehend every one of 13 low-life, pieces of shit, bastards and whores.
And all of them are now sitting in jail cells like the worthless assholes that they all are.
The TPD stated that all have a bail of $65,000.
Meanwhile the zoo director is thrilled to say that the woodchuck, the turkey, the beaver, the koala bear, and the flamingo are all back at the Tarzan & Jane Petting Zoo safe and sound.
The petting zoo officials wanted the public to know that they have hired two ex-Navy Seals, to be the zoo’s security guards.
They made it very clear that both are equipped with AR-50 semi-automatic rifles, multiple hand grenades, a rocket launcher, and huge aerosol cans of fucking napalm; so anyone who even remotely ever attempts this stupid stunt again will quickly disappear from the face of the earth post-haste.
SIDENOTE: Two of the smash and grab females are so upset and embarrassed that the TPD reports they are biting each other all over their bodies. (?).
