Amazon Has Acquired the United States of America for an Undisclosed Amount. What More Could Bezos Need?

Funny story written by Mink Satiric

Friday, 28 May 2021

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Let’s Find Out!

Paramount, Universal, and Warner Brothers: these are just some of the film studios not owned by Amazon Inc. (yet). The United States of America, a lesser-known studio known for producing those highly-rated White House Covid-19 press conferences, was previously part of that group but is now owned by Jeff Bezos’ e-commerce company (if he even works there anymore).

In a recent interview over Zoom, which is also soon to be acquired by Amazon, the former CEO said he decided to make the purchase after seeing comedian Hasan Minhaj “tear everyone apart at that White House Correspondents Dinner a few years ago.” The interviewer chose not to tell Bezos that those are produced privately by the WHCA, out of fear of getting whacked by one of the mafias that Amazon is soon to acquire as well.

Bezos also highlighted in the interview that he was test driving his new super-yacht, but when the producer said he was going to cut that out, Bezos stated, “I own you,” which happens to be true. Bezos also made sure to let it be known that he purchased the yacht company that he bought from so that his yacht would “technically be free”.

It was also reported by an unknown source that Ellen DeGeneres interviewed Bezos a few months ago, but after feeling like he was acting hostile, Bezos purchased NBC and DeGeneres herself in order to “can the interview”. This news reached the general public but was ultimately ignored due to Ellen’s “cancellation” (and no, not the cancellation of her show).

The overall acquisition deal of the USA included all of its assets, aside from the Space Force as Bezos stated, “I didn’t even like the show.” The deal also included a clause that allows Bezos to purchase some of the countries where US troops are stationed, such as Afghanistan, after 7 years. Bezos said he doubts he’ll do it because of their lack of factories.

The deal has also caused Amazon to shut down the United States Postal Service, forcing everything to be shipped through Amazon. This action has led to an extreme downfall in the junk mail industry, so Amazon customers should expect to see it inside their delivered boxes.

Bezos concluded the yacht interview by stating, “We’re not too worried about what people may think, but keep in mind that we now own the Constitution”. A recent poll following that statement showed that 73% of Americans feared the first amendment would be removed, 25% didn’t have that fear, and 2% wrote in “Kanye West”.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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