Warren Buffet advises schoolchildren to "eat junk"

Funny story written by Gee Pee

Saturday, 28 February 2015


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"Things go better with coke," Buffet assures youth.

OUT THERE -- Famed financier Warren Buffet says his secret source of energy is in his name: buffet. "Eat like it's your last meal," he advises six-year-old schoolchildren, "and you're at an all-you-can-eat buffet!"

That's where the octogenarian-plus' own seemingly inexhaustible energy comes from, he says.

That and his drug of choice, coke. "I take five hits a day of it," he told wide-eyed boys and girls while speaking on behalf of Michelle Obummer's anti-gluttony Eat Lite and Eat Rite campaign.

The First Lady was not amused, Buffet admits, "but I'm filthy rich, and, quite frankly, I don't give a damn what she thinks. She's lucky I agreed to go on her stupid tour."

"I'm one-quarter pure coke," he told the youngsters. "That and the tons of junk food I eat all day are what gives me my energy."

"When he said he's full of it, I thought he was talking about his stock portfolio," Coca-Cola's former president Don Cornhole said.

The investor's caloric intake is "2,7000 calories for breakfast, 3,000 for lunch, and a whopping 7,700 for dinner, every day," Buffet gushed. "In between, I'm in the latrine, purging to make room for more, so not all the calories find their way into my alimentary canal."

He often enjoys coke with his favorite snack food item, Urp Tater Sticks. "I like them so well I'm thinking of buying the company," he threatened. "It would be the first hostile takeover done purely for love."

He also enjoys ice cream, as he does sex, but "not enough, in either case, to buy the cow, if you know what I mean."

Nothing beats coke, though, he clarified, advising his rapt audience of first graders to "consume as much of it as you can get mom to buy."

Not since schoolkids asked Sin City's former Mayor Oscar Goldmine what his favorite beverage is and received the answer "gin" have children gotten such an earful.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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