Pots Pans and A Shocking Deathbed Confession

Written by Harry Klondike

Thursday, 2 April 2015

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New York, N.Y. - The Association of Cookware and Bakeware Manufacturers lost one of their giants last month. Allen Spencer was a key mover and shaker in the industry that helped turn kitchenware into something that made a house a home. In a soon to be heavily edited documentary, some of the seedier sides of getting the products out of the stores and into the homes is revealed.

As kitchens across America became product saturated, sales started to slump. It was in the early 1970's, that tumultuous time when civil rights movements were becoming more militant, that an apparent solution landed right into Mr. Spencer's lap. One thing that caught the attention of Mr. Spencer was a homely, rotund, venomously hateful lesbian by the name of Andrea Dworkin.

Ms. Dworkin staged what may be the first "take back the night" campaign. As Mr. Spencer put it- "This activity was basically a bunch of delinquent kids banging on pots at all hours of the night- the whole thing was pointless until I realized, HEY WAIT A MINUTE! LOOK AT ALL THAT BANGED UP COOKWARE!!! We knew allot of parents would be highly dissatisfied to find their kitchens raided by their kids and need replacement product. Turns out we were correct! Sales skyrocketed during this angry show of pointless bullshit. We even had internal memos that'd be posted on bulletin boards in the office tracking this stuff in the news papers. Someone would write "another P.M.$. event!!! P= Pissy M=menstral and the $= well that's self explanatory!" he said with a chuckle.

Things Turn Dark

With the passion of the early 70's waning other passions took over. Anti-Vietnam protests, disco, sex, cocaine.... people were basically having fun. The bad thing is they were having fun with out buying as much of our product. "It's at that point I had an idea. I was trying some cocaine for the first time- (which by the way is some amazing shit), that it came to me. If the issues are starting to fade, at least the ones that increased our bottom line, then perhaps we could create.... or rekindle the issues. We had teams of people- whole squads that would try to rile things up.

Racial slurs sprayed on a campus frat-house walls- a noose in a tree... hell we even had gal's hired from college drama departments to report that they had been raped. We got zero reaction from nooses, slurs, and Nazi crap; we did however have some modest success with the fake rape claims. Something weird about women.... piss'em off and they take to wandering the streets at night and beating pans. All in all we abandoned the whole secret project. Times had changed- Tupperware, microwaves, fast-food.... sigh, but we had a hell of a time though. The real irony is that the feminist helped the boys club make a few extra bucks off their shenanigans. SCORE ONE FOR THE BOYS!!!" he exclaimed while giving a thumbs up.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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