Obese Americans - and Some Cops - Cease Eating Pigs
With one-third of Americans obese and a full two-thirds overweight, at least some Americans are re-thinking their pigging out. "I work hard every day to bring home the bacon for my family," explains downtown New Yorker Lance Angelo, who, at a mode...
Read full storyCongress Grants New Powers to Banks
In a surprise move yesterday Washington Congress granted wide-ranging powers to American Banks. Explained Senator Hart Black recently returned from the Bilderberg Conference held this year underneath the Vatican; "In accord with our foreign engagemen...
Read full storySecretary of Education Urges Removal of Word "Privacy" from School Dictionaries
"Privacy is dead, and that's a good thing," pronounced U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan in his recent address to Congress regarding the content of dictionaries currently used in federally-funded public schools. "And our dictionaries should ref...
Read full storyCrockstar Games to Release "So, You Wanna Be A Rapist?"
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - After the hugely successful debut of "Gran Thief Otto 17" today, Crockstar Games has announced that they will be releasing "So, You Wanna Be A Rapist?" just in time for the upcoming holiday season. Gaming experts have estimated...
Read full storyBush is blamed for Hedge End gas attack
Hedge End, Southampton - An exhibition of dog paintings by ex-US President George W Bush at a Southern England shopping mall is in the frame for a suspected gas attack tonight. Hedge End Retail Park had to be evacuated after hundreds of people 'ca...
Read full storyChicago Water Supply In Jeopardy... Republicans Push For Another Bail Out
CHICAGO, IL - Scientists have determined that Lake Michigan will soon be empty due to erosion of Niagara Falls. Chicago currently gets 83% of their water from Lake Michigan. Congressional Democrats have proposed spending $136T to "regulate" the ou...
Read full storyNew Jersey Boardwalk Fire Will Be Ruled "Accidental"
NEW YORK, NY - Investigators have determined that the fire last week that destroyed 68 businesses on the boardwalk in Seaside Park, N.J., was not set intentionally, according to the person who was seen running from the fire with an empty gas can.
Read full storyBrandon Lloyd Suffers Side Effects from the After Effect
GILLETTE STADIUM/ZOMBIELAND- The truth is indeed out there for Patriot fans. Now the real reason that Brandon Lloyd refused to return to the Patriots has been revealed. Yes, rumors are accurate. Brandon Lloyd has gone zombie. Having retired from t...
Read full storyMary-Kate Olsen to work in new movie "Breakout"
Amid ongoing legal issues, a recent car crash and a grumpy run-in with children, Mary Kate Olsen has secured her next movie role. Producer Fred Jacob says Olsen will star in "Breakout," a film directed by Mike Eschmann about sex and ambition among...
Read full storyDancing With The Stars - Season Premier: The Highlights and The Lowlights
HOLLYWOOD - Dancing With The Stars co-host Tom Bergeron kicked off season 17, by saying that the contract negotiations with Len "The Grouchy Grouch" Goodman had been worked out and the 97-year-old Brit will be back in his middle judges seat. An in...
Read full storyAshton Kutcher and Mila Kunis Are Tired of Waiting On Demi Moore To Sign The Divorce Papers And May Get Married In Mexico
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Mila Kunis has said that she is sick and tired of waiting on Ashton's old cougar wife, Demi Moore, 51, to sign the divorce papers. She has made it clear to Kutcher that if his hate-filled, jealous wife does not give him a divorce...
Read full storyAn Aspen Man Develops Road Rage After Buying Fake Pot From A Fake Pot Dealer
ASPEN, Colorado - The Colorado Highway Patrol is reporting that an Aspen resident recently developed what they consider to be the worst case of road rage in the history of the state of Colorado. A spokesperson for the CHP, Sergeant Cruxton Tartant...
Read full storyChelsea Handler Says She Was Groped At The Beach
VENICE BEACH, California - Chelsea Handler who is the host of the talk show Chelsea Lately informed the local authorities that while she was sunbathing on Venice Beach she was touched inappropriately or as they say in Daytona Beach (groped). The i...
Read full storySheriff Joe Arpaio Says Justin Bieber Needs To Be Deported To Canada
MARICOPA COUNTY, Arizona - The self-proclaimed Toughest Sheriff in The United States, Joe "Pinky" Arpaio recently told a group of law enforcement officers that little Justin Bieber needs to be sent back home to Canada. Sheriff Arpaio, 81, said tha...
Read full storyKim Kardashian Sells Her Restaurant
MARINA DEL REY - Kim Kardashian has sold her restaurant. Kim's Kozy Kitchen was noted for its speciality which is The Diet Low-Cal Rodeo Drive Hot Dog. When asked by Vodka Vermicelli with iRumors why she sold it, she replied that it was due to per...
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