The man of the moment, Louis Walsh, talks frankly about his recent brain implant
Universally known as a bit of a tit, I resolved to bring an open mind to my meeting with Louis Walsh. Only six weeks after his well-publicised brain implant, he agreed to meet for lunch at his favourite greasy spoon in one of Dublin's murkiest back streets. ('I like to keep it real,' he told me inscrutably.) Louis flounced in, 40 minutes late, wearing a rather fetching two-tone green tank top...
Read full storyObama arrested for robbing Ft. Knox
Barack Hussein Obama was arrested today for attempting to steal 50 trillion dollars worth of gold bars from the Ft. Knox gold reserve. Obama claims he was authorized to take the gold bars because he is President of the United States. However th...
Read full storySuper Bowl News: President Obama Bets On The Baltimore Ravens
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Las Vegas oddsmakers have the San Francisco 49ers as 3½ point favorites over the Baltimore Ravens in Super Bowl XLVII (47). Sports Balls Illustrated Daily is reporting that more money will be bet on this year's Super Bowl than i...
Read full storyNational Gas Prices Rise
The arrival of the summer driving is still months away, so why are gasoline prices rising? That's the question we posed to oil industry representative Marvus Danderlogg, who explained that there are numerous reasons behind the recent spike at the pu...
Read full storyLouis Walsh brain implant rejected, say medics
The heady days of measurable cerebral activity are over for brain implant recipient Louis Walsh, according to Senior Neurologist Willie Bodgem. After several desperate attempts to reconnect disrupted neurotransmitters, Bodgem emerged from Beaumont Ho...
Read full storyAstronomers Say Orion's Belt On Last Hole--Obesity Epidemic Blamed
Orion's Belt, part of the constellation Orion, has expanded to the point that it's down to its final belt hole, a renowned scientist said today. Dr. Huang O'Flaherty, addressing the International Astronomical Union, told attendees, "Good morning...
Read full storyWhoa! Traces of Horse Meat Found in England's Burger Kings
LONDON - A representative with Britain's Burger Bureau has reported that tests have shown that traces of horse meat have been found in some Burger King burgers. According to The Ta Ta For Now News Agency equine DNA in the form of M&M size mors...
Read full story"Hooligirl" grandma banned from local shop!
A grandma pushing her zimmerframe through a UK supermarket has been banned for bullying staff and causing havoc in the aisles by knocking down cans of stacked baked beans and other special offers. Another reason why granny, Christine Crow, was ban...
Read full storyThroat Doctors: Saying "oigliieeeeeeee" More Effective Than Saying "ahhhhhhhhhh"
The results of a two-year, $3-million study indicate that throat doctors should be asking their patients to "open up and say oigliieeeeeeee" instead of "say ahhhhhhhhhh." "We realize this is a huge change after decades of using ahhhhhhhhhh, but...
Read full storyAdele Concert Leaves Local Man Frustrated
Vero Beach man Kevin Multony claims he felt a little disappointed after attending a concert by talented British singer/songwriter Adele, and understandably so. "I have to say that after forking over $100 for a ticket to see my favorite singer perf...
Read full storyDoping Scandal Rocks World Knitting. Calls for Ban on Earl Grey
Knitters around the globe are stunned by a confession from Ethel Bainbridge, winner of the North England Balaclava Knitathon three years running, that she imbibes Earl Grey tea and applies WD40 lubricant to her needles before competing. Both performa...
Read full storyBone Idol Garbage Collectors Chastised By Senior
Frank Walker is furious. He claims he is "sick to death" of lazy garbage collectors who pick up his trash from the residential care home where he has resided for the last 5 years. So furious is Frank that he has organized a protest of what he call...
Read full storyOffensive Minister Appointed
A new post, Offensive Minister, has been created by the Government as a result of public demand : the new Minister is to be Algernon Crapper MP for Littlehumpton - a man who will imbue confidence into his Post. In an announcement Crapper stated t...
Read full storyThe Philosophy of Gronk from A to B
On a Boston radio show on station WEEI, Rob Gronkowski began to explain his sophisticated sense of the existential crisis facing all of us in the 21st century, following in the steps of Jean-Paul Satre and Albert Camus. On the vagaries of life and...
Read full storyNASA Bombshell: There is Intelligent Life on Mars
We are not alone. NASA's Mars rover vehicle has found irrefutable proof that intelligent life exists on the Red Planet. The agency is preparing to announce the historic discovery. Details will be released in a few days, but we have obtained an ad...
Read full storyNBA Shooter Aims at Celtic Jared Sullinger
The NBA has decided that Jared Sullinger of the Celtics is not a rookie phenomenon. He plays the role of center, which the NBA Commissioner David Stern fails to recognize. Stern passed him by in selecting the All-Rookie team to play at the All-Sta...
Read full storyNew Yorkers draw line in the sand
New York NY - Police attempted to restore order today in Times Square amid a tumult of rioting fat people. Spokesperson Ms. Phat Derrierey explained why protest had turned to violence. "It's that ban an large sugary drinks. We all decided that e...
Read full storyMrs. Wes Welker Apologizes To Ray Lewis of The Baltimore Ravens
BOSTON - It took her ten days, but New England Patriot's wide receiver Wes Welker's wife, Anna has finally issued an apology to Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis. Mrs. Welker, 32, made the apology through Dottie Bazooka a reporter with Sports...
Read full storyManti Te'o Has Been Banned From The Super Bowl
NEW ORLEANS - The Super Bowl Committee has just announced that it has banned Norte Dame football player and Internet hoax participant Manti Te'o from appearing at Super Bowl XLVII in New Orleans. A committee spokesperson identified as Ebenezer Buc...
Read full storyShaquille O'Neal Could Be Joining The Lakers
LOS ANGELES - The word out of Tinsel Town is that Lakers owner Jerry Buss has been in contact with ex-Laker Shaquille O'Neal about the possibility of returning to his former team. Buss is livid at the 20-26 record that his team currently possesses...
Read full storySupreme Court to Hear White House Dog Case
Washington DC: The Supreme Court is to hear oral arguments today in the case of Smith Vs Obama. Secret Service Agent Harry Smith, a staunch Republican, alleges that he was a special detail of one person assigned each morning to clean up the East Lawn...
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