Pope Mars Rover sent to encourage adoption of "Missionary Position"
The Vatican yesterday launched an enormous incense fuelled Abraham class rocket from St. Peter's Basilica. The rocket was carrying a Mars Orbiter and Pope Rover. Surprising hundreds of thousands gathered in St. Peter's Square, the dome of the Ba...
Read full storyJapanese Premier Burned By Pants On Fire
Yesterday, Prime Minister of Japan, Shinzo Abe, paid his "deepest respects" to the war dead at a Shinto shrine in Tokyo. The shrine honors, among others, Class A war criminals from World War II. Some were executed after the war because they committe...
Read full story"What we did" guide to a week in Filey
Sunday: Arrived at "Force ten increasing force 11" hotel in time to start reading all the 100 "do not" notices everywhere we looked. No dinner because we had not filled in the dinner form, but "you needn't think you're getting away with not paying for it." Went hungry to bed. Monday: Breakfast of black pudding and runny egg with optional gristly sausage, Lidl chicory coffee and economy range...
Read full storyWhat's Old is New Again--the USS Constitution's Facelift
Yep, she needed it. That floating piece of--um--history started out as an abandoned, shrunken, weathered behemoth measuring an impressive three hundred and four feet from bowsprit to spanker. (Don't ask). There was a budget crunch in 1797, but...
Read full storyRunaway Sale at Local Consignment Center--or not
Consignment centers all over Louisville experienced what one businessman said was the "anti Target" effect. Customers infuriated with Target's inability to safeguard their data, even though they became expert at guessing when a woman was goin...
Read full storyTaylor Lautner Marries Beauty Queen
In a shocker, Hollywood has been a-buzz today with the news that Actor Taylor Lautner had married Kate Linden, a beauty queen from California, several weeks ago! Lautner told reporters today that he had been seeing Kate off and on for the past six...
Read full storyGay Couple Staying Together For The Kids
Arnold Mason and Donald Heart say that they are only staying together because of the children. "They would be broken hearted if we separated", stated Mason. "That Donald's always got his nose stuck up somebody's backside and I would ask him to lea...
Read full storyDuck Dynasty Cancelled! A&E Introduces New Reality Show
New York City - Amid the controversy surrounding Phil Robertson and the reality show, Duck Dynasty on A&E, the network has decided to pull the plug on the once popular series in favor of a replacement that lead executives say will have less poult...
Read full storyVoyeur Offended by Exhibitionist
Ever since she caught him peeking at her through her bedroom window, Eric Snower's neighbor has been bending over backwards---and bending over every other which way!---to catch his attention. And that's just disturbing. "I'll be the first to admi...
Read full story"What we did" guide to a week in Barry Island, Wales.
Sunday: Arriving on the bus in time for a slap up evening meal of Welsh seaweed we discovered that our travel editor had booked us in at a Vegan hotel. At first thinking that Mr. Spock might be there, my excitement was dampened by realising that this was Vegan, not Vulcan. All the pubs and places of entertainment were closed from September to July for the Monsoon season, so we went to bed. M...
Read full storySpanish Prime Minister "I will bring Spain into the 21st Century"
SuperMario Rajoy, the Spanish equivalent of Kim Jong un has stated that he is determined to get the country away from the decrepit state the world associates with it. "I will reduce or eliminate our dependency on handouts from the E.U" for a start", he said at a meeting of underdeveloped and third world countries in Zimbabwe. "We will start inventing things and move away from reliance on lea...
Read full storyMegyn Kelly: I'm Probably The Prettiest Republican Woman In America
NEW YORK CITY - Megyn Kelly made an appearance on The View and she certainly showed the panel, the studio audience, and the television viewers that she is not the least bit shy. Kelly was asked by Barbara Walters if she feels that her good looks h...
Read full storyPresident Obama Asks Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt To Please Stop Texting Him So Much
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama and the prime minister of Denmark, Helle Thorning-Schmidt made headlines all over the world when they were photographed playing footsie at the Nelson Mandela Memorial Eulogy in Johannesburg, South Africa. The att...
Read full storyThe KKK Will Hold A Parade To Protest The Suspension of Duck Dynasty Star Phil Robertson
TUCSON, Arizona - The national chapter of the Ku Klux Klan has just announced that they are planning a protest parade to take place in West Monroe, Louisiana, home of Duck Dynasty's Robertson family. The parade will be held to protest the suspensi...
Read full storyA 91-Year-Old Great-Grandmother In Georgia Arrested After Police Find 3 Tons of Marijuana In Her Greenhouse
SAVANNAH, Georgia - Local police have made what they are calling the biggest marijuana bust in the state's history. Half a dozen officers with the Savannah Police Department raided the home of 91-year-old Agnes Leona Pigeonberry a retired high sch...
Read full storyJustin Bieber Is Dumb Like A Fox
NEW YORK CITY - Justin Bieber flew into New York City for an appearance on The Viagra View with Larry King and Regis Philbin. The Biebs told the elder talk show hosts that he wanted to give them a scoop. Both men sat up in their chairs. Justin then told them that he was officially announcing that he was retiring from the music business. No?" asked Philbin. "Yes" Bieber replied "You'...
Read full storyJapan Wants To Buy 1,000 Longhorn Cattle From Texas
TOKYO - The government of Japan has just sent a message to the owner of one of the largest longhorn cattle ranches in the state of Texas about purchasing some cattle. The Japanese people have fallen in love with fajitas[Pronounced FA-HE-TUS], whic...
Read full storyWisconsin Vows To Cut Down On The Wasteful Practice of Duplicate and Triplicate Signs
MADISON, Wisconsin - A spokesperson for the governor's office has stated that he wants to thank all of the concerned citizens who have brought the practice of duplicate and triplicate signs to the state's attention. Gideon Hookerfaust, 48, speakin...
Read full storyBOY Pandas Think Pink, Turn Out To Be GIRLS
"Thank Heaven for Little Girls," Maurice Chevalier sang in the background recently when it was announced at Zoo Atlanta that the panda twins born in July, once thought to be male, are female. Blimey! As reported in Oh, boy! Atlanta zoo finds ou...
Read full storyAstronauts Bitch About Having To Work On Christmas Eve.
Astronauts having to install a coolant pump outside NASA's International Space Station on Christmas Eve had a few choice words about their employers. "I thought once you had a government job you never had to work on holidays again. Bull%&$#!!!...
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