"What we did" guide to a week in Filey

Funny story written by Auntie Jean

Thursday, 26 December 2013

Sunday: Arrived at "Force ten increasing force 11" hotel in time to start reading all the 100 "do not" notices everywhere we looked. No dinner because we had not filled in the dinner form, but "you needn't think you're getting away with not paying for it." Went hungry to bed.

Monday: Breakfast of black pudding and runny egg with optional gristly sausage, Lidl chicory coffee and economy range orange juice. Went to park to read newspaper. Walked around park. Walked to Co-op and bought a six pack of value lager. Returned to hotel and filled form in for dinner. "Do not use the shower between 7.00 a.m. and 12.00 midnight notice in bathroom" so had a cold bath. Dinner was boiled winkles and instant mashed potato followed by semolina.

Tuesday: Went to "The Cobles" landing and bought some biscuits and a newspaper. Looked at Filey Brig and went to park. Walked around the park and then walked back to the hotel as it was raining. Got fined for being 10 minutes late for dinner. Dinner consisted of value minced turkey and oxo gravy with micro chips. The pudding was tinned fruit cocktail with evaporated milk.

Wednesday: Took a bus to the cinema which unfortunately had been demolished. Took the bus back and sat on a bench in the rain on the sea front until dinner.

Vegetarian nut rissoles for dinner with marmite gravy. Tapioca pudding with a blob of jam to follow.

Thursday: Breakfast was a tinned kipper and a cup of tea. Visited the Thomas Cook museum after breakfast and learned all about the seafaring explorer and his discovery of Australia. Went to pub to get out of rain and then to hotel for tripe and turnips.

Friday: breakfast of locally caught Moray Eel and baked beans.

After breakfast bought postcards and wrote and addressed them. Watched bugle player at outdoor bandstand. Walked along seafront to top end, had a drink in the pub and then walked back to the hotel to pay fines and fill a form in for dinner. Lidl tinned value pork and lettuce for dinner with salad cream. Rice pudding for dessert.

Saturday went to Post Office to post cards. Walked into shopping centre and bought a raincoat and umbrella. Went back to hotel and packed, paid the bill and fines and caught the bus home.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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