Wain Cucumber Proud to be a Pariah
Fast Sprinkler Wain Cucumber has spoken out about his revived chance to enter in the 2012 London Cucumber Olympics, due to his lifetime drug ban by the BOA(Ban Old Athletes, being overturned by the CAS(Cucumber Appreciation Society) He said it had taken years to develop his Cucumber Body by eating Spanish Grunt and digital enhancing using Clinford Christel's lunch pack, He said the drugs u...
Read full storyPreserve the past by signing up for Spitfire combat training
A recent newspaper article got me thinking about preserving traditional skills. Commendably, British museums and heritage sites have encouraged the conservation of traditional arts and crafts such as dry stonewalling, thatching, hedge laying... I could go on. At the same time museums have often been accused of indulging in 'safe' heritage, making the past easy to digest for audiences. The proce...
Read full storyDwayne Wade Walks A Mile in Mike Bibby's Shoe
Horses often lose a shoe, don't they? Not since an episode of Mr. Ed in 1963 have we seen such ado over a shoe. An unshod Mike Bibby suffered a foot fetish during the second mismatch between the New York Knicks and the Miami Heat. In one heated...
Read full storyMurdoch "Unfit To Run News Corp" Claim MPs
The parliamentary culture committee today concluded what most of us already knew, Rupert Murdoch "is not a fit and proper person to exercise the stewardship of a major international conpany." In other words, he stinks. After a lengthy inquiry into...
Read full storyJessica Simpson Finally Has Her Baby - And It's A Big One!
LOS ANGELES - Well it appears that Jessica Simpson may have broken the record for being pregnant for the longest time. She finally 'popped' out her little baby which is actually one heck of a whopper at 9 pounds 13 ounces on May 1, 2012. One of...
Read full storyBank of America Hosts "Bread and Circus Social Hour" for Employees Who Don't Attend Occupy Wall Street Events
Bank of America President and CEO Brian Moynihan doesn't claim to be a gifted chef. "I can barely find my way around a kitchen," he admitted with a self-deprecating grin. "But I felt such strong appreciation for our loyal bank employees that I wa...
Read full storyRoss Kemp's Nan's World Snooker Round-up: Day 11
QUARTER-FINAL SCHEDULE Stephen Hendry (Sco) v Stephen Maguire (Sco) Jamie Jones (Wales) v Ali Carter (Eng) Ronnie O'Sullivan (Eng) v Neil Robertson (Aus) Ryan Day (Wal) v Matthew Stevens (Wal) All four quarters cue off today, still best of 25, first to 13, and scheduled to last 3 sessions. That could be in doubt with the first match, as Stephen Maguire thumped fellow scot Stephen Hendry 7-1...
Read full storyRoss Kemp's Nan's World Snooker Round-up: Day 10
Today is the last day in the second round and Ali Carter, Matthew Stevens, Ronnie O'Sullivan and Jamie Jones all book their place in the Quarter-Finals. Jamie Jones is definitely not the same Jamie Jones who plays in goal for Leyton Orient. It would be spooky if he were, as Barry Hearn is the Chairman of Leyton Orient and World Snooker. Everyone would call it a fix. And we had enough of that tw...
Read full storyRoss Kemp's Nan's World Snooker Round-up: Day 9
Today saw the finish of the Joe Perry v Stephen Maguire match - which I have tenuously linked to Jerry Maguire - as in Perry Maguire - geddit? No-one said writing a daily snooker blog would be easy. With foresight, I should have linked this match to yesterdays (Day 8) marriage proposal at the Crucible by Brian Wright to Lisa Dunks. "You had me at hello..." Theirs no Tom Cruise in the arena...
Read full storyRoss Kemp's Nan's World Snooker Round-up: Day 8
Stephen Hendry booked his place in the quarter-final by wrapping up his comprehensive victory over defending Champion John Higgins 13-4. He joins Neil Robertson in the Quarters. In the old days when the games finished early, Dennis Taylor would pop out and tell his 'WC1' joke. Or John Virgo would play a few trick shocks. Sometimes Willie Thorne would tell us where he got his hair cut. Today...
Read full storyNadya Suleman AKA "OctoMom" Files For Bankruptcy - Plans To Appear In A Porn Movie
LA HABRA, California - Nadya Suleman has stated that she is $1 million in debt and that her house is in foreclosure as she owes $30,000 back rent. "OctoMom" added that she has gone ahead and filed for bankruptcy under California's Chapter 7. She recently sat down at her home in La Habra and spoke with Tapioca Swizzle of Tittle Tattle Tonight. Suleman revealed that she has decided to do somet...
Read full storyWoman remanded over London sieve
A woman has appeared in court over a giant sieve which closed one of London's busiest shopping streets. Colleen Colander was charged with possession of an overlarge sieve. She was also accused of recklessly endangering life by trying to force peop...
Read full storyRondo Faces the Music: Off Key Again
If punishment ought to fit the crime, then Rondo's judges are not exactly an oligarchy of Tommy Heinsohn clones. Apart from the chorus of "we told you so," Rondo's detractors are crying out loud for everything from the gas chamber to crucifixion.
Read full storyTurner Prize Shortlist "All Bollocks" Says Expert
A woman whose work has included projects based on Star Wars character Jabba the Hutt is one of the four artists shortlisted for this year's £25,000 Turner Prize. Performance artist Lali "Spartacus" Chetwynd joins Luke Fowler, Paul Noble and Elizab...
Read full storyMilwaukee OB&G Bartender Sent to State Mental Hospital after Haggis and Absynth Attacks on Patrons
Following an evening of strange behavior behind the brass rail, the head weeknight bartender at the Oasis Bar & Grille in Milwaukee reportedly lost control of his mental faculties, assaulting patrons with both food and beverages. "It was horri...
Read full storyThat's Amar'e!
Start singing, Knicks fans. Dean Martin would be crooning at one of his roasts over this one: Amar'e Stoudemire will forever be known as Amar'e Stupidmire. That's stupid, Amar'e! He can palm a basketball and apparently felt he could palm a g...
Read full storySkull 'N' Bones crop circle sprouts on Rebekah Brooks' lawn
Chipping Norton - The symbol of Yale University's darkest arts and crafts society has reared its shadowy face outside Rebekah Brooks' Oxfordshire mansion. The cultish secret club has served as foreign conflict tool for President George Bush Senior...
Read full storyBin Laden speaks to mediums: "Heaven sucks but Hell's great."
Osama bin Laden speaking to mediums on the eve of the first commemoration of his death, says that he sure is in Hell, but he would not want it any other way. "The guys in Heaven all want to come down here. There's no hot stuff up there - not even...
Read full storySparks and Mensa launch new bed linen range
Sparks and Mensa, the high street department store for the highly intelligent, have moved into the bed linen market with a new range of bed sheets in fake tan colour. "We're doing pillow cases, fitted sheets and flat sheets in three shades of fake...
Read full storyMan O Man it's City!
The Red Devils of Manchester left their satanic powers behind them last night and deserved to get "Blue-n" away. But every red cloud has a silver (second position) lining: They not only lost the one title last night, they lost the other one too. "Bri...
Read full storyRumors of A Kobe Bryant - Elin Nordegren Sex Tape Surface
LOS ANGELES - Tiger Woods ex-wife Elin Nordegren was reportedly spotted at The Santa Monica Pier wearing a Los Angeles Lakers shirt and a pair of fuchsia colored shorts shorts and according to several tourists Elin never looked prettier, sexier, or r...
Read full storyPresident Obama's Mama-In-Law Caught Using The White House Oval Office Red Phone
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The secret service is doing it's very best to keep a certain late night White House Oval Office incident secret. According to a very reliable, inside source who did not want her name revealed, President Obama's mother-in-law, Ma...
Read full storyHerby Retires, Mancanini takes Over New Leagues in Europe
Breaking News in Manchester's "Football Heaven" ManU; Is that Sir Alex Herbison has had enough of football and offered his team to "that Count", Roberto Mancinini.(the Scottish dialect is hard to understand He said; during an exclusive interview w...
Read full storyThe Lingerie Football League To Hang Up Their Short Shorts Until 2013
CHICAGO - Word out of the "Windy City" is that The Lingerie Football League has suspended the 2012 season but plans on returning at full speed in April of 2013. LFL spokesperson Duval Dippingwater, 43, stated that the team owners felt that they wa...
Read full storyPresident Obama Manages the Latest Government Scandals
Washington DC: President Obama has issued an executive order that all US civilian federal employees (civil service, political appointees, elected officials) and military personnel must become monastic (male and female monks) to retain their jobs.
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