President Obama Manages the Latest Government Scandals

Funny story written by Philbert of Macadamia

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

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Federal Workers Respond to President Obama's Executive Order

Washington DC: President Obama has issued an executive order that all US civilian federal employees (civil service, political appointees, elected officials) and military personnel must become monastic (male and female monks) to retain their jobs.

Press Secretary Carney announced at a news conference that the Secret Service prostitute and GSA lavish spending scandals have prompted the president to take very decisive action, in accordance with his "we can't wait," unless it's oil/gas drilling!" The president says "yes we can" and has come up with a Democratic one-size fits all solution akin to ObamaCare.

Federal employees must still swear allegiance to protect and defend the US Constitution, but with five additional vows of non-violence, of truth, of non-stealing, of non-alcohol consumption and of celibacy. Existing agency and organizational dress codes would not be affected.

This new presidential order establishes a zero tolerance policy for civilian federal employees, requiring only one strike and you are out of a job. Military personnel get three strikes during combat. The order exempts President Obama and First Lady Michelle, which has caused great consternation among members of Congress. Additionally, civilian federal employees and military personnel do not have to reside in monasteries.

A lawsuit has been filed in federal court stating that a modern definition of celibacy only refers to refraining from any lasting romantic relationships, particularly marriage. The plaintiffs contend that this definition does not preclude two unmarried consenting adults having sex using condoms. The Supreme Court could weigh in early next year on the Constitutionality of the new presidential order, following the ObamaCare mandate and the Arizona illegal immigration law decisions.

Government accounting Office (GAO) analysts indicate that the divorce rate among federal employees and military personnel is expected to skyrocket, boosting the economic outlook for trial lawyers. Restaurant patronage, beer, wine and liquor sales are expected to decrease somewhat, reducing adult obesity, making First Lady Michelle happy.

Federal government employment should be greatly reduced by the president's executive order precipitating voluntary and involuntary early retirements. Smiling Congressional Republicans have sent President Obama a thank you note for downsizing the federal government!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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