Everyone In Whole Wide World Hates Local Man
Kansas City - A local man here discovered today that indeed everyone in the whole wide world hated him and wished he was dead - including his own family, who would love nothing more than to smash his head in. Ezekiel Stanford, 40, a local man who...
Read full storyKaty Perry Denies That Russell Brand Filed For Divorce Due To Her Alleged Lesbian Affair With Rihanna
LOS ANGELES - Russell Brand was in Tinsel Town visiting his lawyer and taking care of a few odds and ends in his upcoming divorce from Katy Perry. Meanwhile his soon-to-be-ex-wife Katy Perry was staying in Barbados at the Caribbean mansion of Riha...
Read full storyPower cut in Dorking leaves thousands suffering
During the heavy winds that battered the British Isles a fallen tree fell on the main power line that transfers power to the small Surrey town of Dorking cutting the small Surrey town of Dorking off from the power grid and leaving the small Surrey to...
Read full storyMayor Bloomberg Announces That All Yellow New York City Cabs Will Be Painted Green
NEW YORK CITY - Mayor Bloomberg has finally announced what up until now had only been a rumor and that is that effective January 15, 2012, every yellow taxi-cab in the five New York City boroughs will be pained green. The mayor informed a crowd of...
Read full storyDemi Lovato Reveals She Has Quite a Crush On Zac Efron
BEVERLY HILLS - Demi Lovato was recently talking to her hair stylist FuFi Fondue as she sat in his Haven of Hair Salon getting her hair trimmed. She told Fondue that over the Christmas holidays she and her little sister had gone to see the new mov...
Read full storyTinsel production problems threaten Christmas 2012
Tinsel production has been hit by the floods in China and Korea to such an extent that there is expected to be a massive shortage in Christmas 2012. "Over ninety percent of tinsel production is in just three factories in Korea and China," said Chr...
Read full storyJohn Terry's face being used on Indian cigarette packets
Representatives of John Terry are taking legal advice after an image resembling the footballer appeared on cigarette packs in India. The photograph of a blurred head and pale torso appears above the words SMOKING CIGARETTES CAN LEAD TO BEING CAPTA...
Read full storyThe Stunningly Sexy Cat Deeley Host of 'So You Think You Can Dance' Denies That She Is One of Kobe Bryant's "105" Lovers
LOS ANGELES - Cat Deeley, the host of the reality show So You Think You Can Dance was recently spotted having a nice quiet dinner at The Gunfight At The OK Corral Steakhouse in Beverly Hills. The 5-foot-9-inch tall reality show host was asked by F...
Read full storyChina Sending Men to the Moon to Build a Lunar iPad Factory
Beijing -- China has revealed the purpose of its manned missions to the moon. The Chinese want to construct their next electronics assembly plant there as the first step toward using the moon as a manufacturing zone. "It's no secret that our count...
Read full storyTiger Woods "Titanium Tiger" Sternum Implants Approved By World Golf Rules Committee
NEW YORK - In a joint statement from St. Andrews and USGA Headquarters in New Jersey, the two governing bodies who serve as primary stewards of the rules of golf, announced today that "Titanium Tiger" sternum implants have been approved for immediate...
Read full storyIndia choose John Terry as their health ambassador!
India has chosen super-clean Chelsea star and super-monogamist (monogamy is classified as very healthy in India), John Terry, as their health ambassador for 2012. The Indian ministry for sport and health chose John because of his upstanding morals an...
Read full storyBlair to the Rescue
Tony Blair has taken time off from his search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and solving the problems of Israel to put in a word to help Labour Leader Ed Miliband, who is not so popular as Tony was. In a statement Blair said Miliband was...
Read full storyThe Village of Stoke Pogues obliterated as priest commits suicide
It was indeed a sad day for inhabitants of the parochial village of 'Stoke Pogues' as the local vicar Reverend Arthur Basingston committed suicide - inadvertently eradicating the local demographic. In the ultimate act of self-destruction, he stra...
Read full storyPrince Philip denies shooting commoner
Following the discovery of a dead body on their Sandringham estate, the Royal Family has categorically denied that the body is that of a member of the public who was shot by Prince Philip. The Prince, who had spent Christmas in hospital followin...
Read full storyChannel 5 to launch another reality show - 'Dancing with Mice'
Channel 5 bosses appear to have stolen another reality show, well copied one anyway in their latest offering: Dancing with Mice. In the show, celebs will train to dance with real live mice on ice. While not being completely original it seems to...
Read full storyQueen's horror as Charles 'coronation' protrait found
London - The oil on canvas painting shows Charles' head superimposed onto King Edward VIII's original pre-coronation portrait of 1936 by eminent royal artist Albert Collings. It was found during emergency maintenance works on Buckingham Palace sto...
Read full storyMy New Year's Resolutions:
2008: I will get my weight down below 170 pounds and will definitely give up smoking. 2009: I will watch my calories until my weight is below 200 pounds and maybe give up smoking too. 2010: I will follow my new diet until I get below 220 pounds, but I have decided not to give up the cigarettes just yet. 2011: I will work out once a week on my way to the tobacconist. 2012: I will dr...
Read full storyAlien remains found on Queen's Sandringham estate
Norfolk - A Roswell-style security blackout is in force following the grim discovery under some 'Bushes' on the Norfolk estate. Police cordoned off a section of woodland at Anmer amid reports an 'alien stowaway' had been dumped from a low-flying c...
Read full storyKaley Cuoco to quit Big Bang for physics
It was the news that went off like an thermonuclear device around Hollywood. Kaley Cuoco, actress who plays Penny on the hit sitcom The Big Bang Theory has announced her intention to quit the show at the end of it's current season. It is the re...
Read full storyHMS Hood raised from the Atlantic
Those patriotic souls of merry old England may have cause to rejoice as it was announced from the Stoke Nautical salvage agency that there long-awaited programme to raise her majesties once mighty Battle cruiser 'HMS Hood' had indeed come to fruition...
Read full storyCatholic Conservative Group Asks Politicians To Stop Using the Word "Caucus" - Suggests Using "Hum-Hum Assembly" Or "Thingy-Group"
Washington DC - A conservative Catholic group known as "Parishioners Eliminating Naughty Insinuation Society", or "PENIS," demanded today that politicians stop using the word "caucus" for what they call "obvious reasons." "People are always trying...
Read full storyTen Comments from Experts about the Possible Ending of the World in 2012
What's the skinny on this scary prediction? Here's a sampling of comments: Martha Stewart: "Be prepared. Pack yourself some nice take-out meals that travel REALLY well." Queen Elizabeth II: "I'm not leaving without my tiara, my royal robes, and my purse." Entrepreneur Donald Trump: "I STILL may run for president." Twitter executive: "Send some good-bye tweets, but remembe...
Read full storyRepublicans and Democrats To Meet By Swing Sets At Recess
Washington - Republicans and Democrats announced today that they would be meeting by the swing sets at recess to "solve their differences" once and for all - and "no fair telling teacher!" "You're dead at recess!" said Obama, pointing an accusing...
Read full storyWoman Contracts Virus After Excessive Facebook "Poking"
Facebook - A woman here has contracted what scientist are calling "a new kind of virus we can make money off of", after excessive and uprotected "poking" of friends on her Facebook account. Mellisa Darin had gained the reputation of "not caring wh...
Read full storyLocal Man Voluntarily Removes Own Testicles Before Committing To Relationship
Kansas City - A local man here manipulated his own mind with guilt-trips until reaching the decision to remove his own testicles before committing himself to a relationship. 40 year-old Jack Sloan reported to officials that he had used a plastic b...
Read full storyThe New York Giants Eliminate The Dallas Cowboys From The NFL Playoffs - Jerry Jones Blames It On The Jessica Simpson Voodoo Curse
NEW YORK CITY - Eli Manning and his New York Giants defeated the Dallas Cowboys 31 to 14 dashing the Cowboys hopes of making it to the NFL playoffs once again. And the defeat left many of the Dallas fans shaking their collective heads and wonderin...
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