The New York Giants Eliminate The Dallas Cowboys From The NFL Playoffs - Jerry Jones Blames It On The Jessica Simpson Voodoo Curse

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

image for The New York Giants Eliminate The Dallas Cowboys From The NFL Playoffs - Jerry Jones Blames It On The Jessica Simpson Voodoo Curse
Jessica Simpson after being told that the Giants had defeated the Cowboys.

NEW YORK CITY - Eli Manning and his New York Giants defeated the Dallas Cowboys 31 to 14 dashing the Cowboys hopes of making it to the NFL playoffs once again.

And the defeat left many of the Dallas fans shaking their collective heads and wondering what in the world has happened to the blue star helmeted team from the land of the longhorn cattle.

Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo who has really been badly battered all year played the game with a throwing hand that was so badly swollen that it looked like Kirstie Alley's hand before her amazing 100 pound weight loss.

Sports Territory Magazine reporter Tango Brisket reported that overall the team is not playing at anywhere near the the level that they should be. He even expressed the fact that the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders aren't doing any better.

Brisket noted that many Cowboys fans who focus on the cheerleaders as much as on the team have noted that the cheers have not been as loud or as enthusiastic as in years past.

Long time Cowboys season ticket holder, Grover "Jigger Glass" Twigginstreet, who is 79, said that he's noticed that the cheerleaders are not kicking as high during their high kick routines.

He also pointed out that he has seen a lot of girls amateurishly dropping their pom poms during their cheers which is very unusual.

Brisket stated that one of the big weaknesses lies with the Cowboys defensive secondary. He noted that the cornerbacks, and one veteran in particular, just cannot seem to cover any of the opposing receivers anymore.

The STM reporter did not want to mention the players name but he did say that the player has gotten to the point where he would even be hard-pressed to cover Chaz Bono riding a tricycle.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: In accordance with The NFL Freedom of Disclosure Act of 1977, I can say that the player in question is Terence Newman.]

Brisket talked with Cowboys owner Jerry Jones and asked him what he felt the problem was. Jones raised his eyebrows, put down the bottle of Southern Comfort, and replied, "Tango, it beats the ever livin' crock of sheep dip outta me sir."

Jones was asked if maybe he felt that part of the problem was possibly associated with the so-called Jessica Simpson Cajun Voodoo Curse. Jones simply closed his eyes.

He took a big drink of Southern Comfort and replied, "Ya know Brisky, I think that you may just have hit the effen nail on the head. Ever since I told Tony (Romo) two years ago to dump his Hollywood girlfriend because I felt that she was a jinx, we have gone downhill faster than David Crosby rolling down Pikes Peak in the middle of winter."

Jones rolled his eyes as he took another sip from his bottle. He then confessed to Brisket that had he known the bad luck that his team was going to suffer that he would never have forced (Tony) Romo to break up with Jessica Simpson on the day before her 29th birthday.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: When Jessica Simpson found out that Tony had dumped her because Jones had instructed him to do so, the next day she flew down to Lake Charles, Louisiana, and contacted a Cajun Voodoo Woman about placing a curse on the Dallas Cowboys.]

And so as everyone who has ever had a Louisiana Voodoo Woman place a dreaded curse on them knows, it is one of the strongest bad luck rituals known to civilized man.

And the only way that the Cajun Voodoo Curse can be undone is for the person who paid to have the curse placed pays to have the curse cancelled.

FOOTNOTE: Jerry Jones informed Tango Brisket that he is planning on flying out to California and meeting with Jessica Simpson. He disclosed that he will basically beg her to please have the curse cancelled. Jones says that he is willing to pay her up to $6 million in cash if she agrees to do so.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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